random thaughts

Thursday, June 24, 2004

well things are really changing in my life, and i really think they are for the better. I am really happy, and people even notice how happy i am, which is a wonderful thing. I have started to make the decisions in my life that are what i want, not what she wants. Its is a great feeling.

Monday, May 31, 2004

Why is it so hard to just get up the nerve to tell her exactly how I feel, and exactly what I want. It is not like we are in a new relationship, and I am afraid that I will mess things up! I have already done all the messing up I can do, this is just to make it all final, and to stop the mistakes. I just cant do it, it suck!!!! I feel so useless when I think about how long this has been going on, and it just needs to stop!!


When I look at her, and our eyes meet
I get lost, overwhelmed and am forced to look away
When she looks at me I am drawn into her eyes
She envelopes me, and knows everything that I am feeling
She sees all the feelings I already have for her, and the ones that are now being created
See can see my dreams
that's why I look away, so she doesn't see them
Fear of what she would say or think if she knew
I know no matter what thoughts or feelings I have for her
I am not what she needs, or wants
So I look away, and the feelings go untold
I just continue with life as it is
I have hope!

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

I had a talk with a friend at work this week about something that happened to him, and as we talked I had a lot of different mental pictures, and thoughts go through my mind, so I decided to put them all together. This one is still a work in progress, but I kinda like it!


Hearts beat faster
Lips meet
Breathing accelerates
Strange new tastes
Tongues search
Bodies move
Scents mingle
Hearts race
Sweat runs free
Thoughts run rampant
Bodies entwine
Thoughts disappear
Muscles ache
Actions remembered
Emotions flood
Bodies become one
Hearts yearn
Lives are changed
Actions forgotten
Secrets kept


Friday, May 14, 2004

I have decided that life is just going to hell. not sure where im going with anything anymore, but i do know that i have to go to a friends wedding tomorrow, and it depresses me a lot.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

I have been pretty down lately. Really kind of depressed. I look around and i see all of my friends who are in relationships, and they are there with the person they love. Everything seems to be working for them, even if they argue, they are right there to make up. It has been so long since i have had any physical contact with Karen, i dont remember what it is like, but i see everyone else, and i want to do that too. I know that deep down inside i love karen, but are we still the same people that were were, in this relationship almost 2 years ago, when she left? NO, we are not. Will we still be able to stay together, and makethings work, i dont know. Do i want to go there, and leave everything behind. Do i want to stay and just make a final end to the relationship. Do i want something more form someone else? I know not what to do, but i think i better figure it out pretty damn soon!

Sunday, April 18, 2004

well lets see, im engaged to somewone who i am not totaly sure about at the moment, but i also find that i am very attracted to 2 othere people, and have some strong feelings for them. How am i supposed to make up my mind, about what i am supposed to do with my life. i really think i just need to get away from them all, and everything. I need to go camping. Just get away from alll of this stuff. I again am getting to the point that i really dont know what to do about it, so i think that i might just have to start meditating more than i already do, and try and figure things out

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Just a short note today to appease my own thoughts on what I wrote yesterday. After having read my post from yesterday, it sounded to me like I was really mean to Jamie. It sounded to me like I thought she only showed up to my birthday dinner, because she felt guilted into it. This how ever is not what I had ment to write. I start to write, and sometimes get of track. To make a long story short I had intended for it to state that I did not want her to feel pressured or guilted into hanging out. I love her to death, and she is one of my best friends, and I understand what she is going through right now, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. IF that means not spending time with her a lot then that is what has to happen. Just so you know lady I'm always here for you.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Well where to begin? I have been slaking on this thing for a long time now, but sometimes you just don't want to deal with people in any way. Well lets start with my birthday. Ya I just had one, and it was the most lonely day I have had in a long time. And I was with people all day long. I went to work, and had the kids yelling at me all day long, then I went to the dojang and trained. Master had the students sing happy birthday to me. But that was about it, 2 other students were moving the next day, so lots of focus on them. Went to dinner with victor. Told another friend we were going to dinner as well, and she came. Now I don't want to sound mean or anything but I'm in a cranky mood. She came. Because she is in a new relationship, we never see her anymore, so it almost is like she felt guilted into coming. I love her to death. And I'm glad she came but like I said I was lonely and cranky about it, so as usual she had to leave and go home and work. That's ok though. She brought a friend with her, who I am sure just came because Jamie asked her. And she invited friends as well. And one other friend came as well but I think she seamed very distracted. And before we left the dojang for dinner I invited one of the students that was at the school, cause I thought it would be nice to invite her. So it was just dinner really, nothing special, other than the fact that I didn't pay. So all in all it was not much of a special day. And I don't really care, so its ok.
I realized today that I don't have much contact with my friends anymore. 2 good female friends bother of which I hardly ever see anymore, and don't really talk much . But we used to do lots of good stuff. Starbucks, tea, reading, talking. Their house, movies, talking, fun... But they are too busy now. How easily and fast our lives change. I really do miss them, but must except that there are new and much more important things in there life. So I get the back burner, and I guess I'm ok with it. I used to hang out with a group of guys, no more, I lost the truck, and now they could be in Africa, for how easy it is for me to get to them. They live far away. So I don't do anything with them anymore. Again cut off from friends, and not sure how I really feel about any of it. I am just starting to feel cut off. I used to hang out with the tukong people all of the time, but I just don't want to do things in groups anymore. And now I am having some personal training issues and find it hard to have fun in training like I used to. I am also finding it hard to train, not just because of that, but all the stress I have been dealing with for so long has physically messed me up. I'm always tired, always sick. Plus I have to walk now, and some afternoons I am just to tired to make the walk. How odd it is to look at life one day and realize that you are losing contact with everyone.

You close your eyes and it all disappears,
Fear, desperation, thoughts and anxieties of the past.
Erased and replaced.
ecstasy, dreams and hopes of the future.
wishes fulfilled
You open your eyes.
Pain, suffering, depression
It hits like a typhoon
You close your eyes
love, joy, happiness
Which is right?
Eyes open?
Eyes Closed?
Reality ripples into dream and back again
Dream becomes reality, reality becomes dream
how do we know which is the truth?
is it by our own decision?
will we ever know?

crickets chirp,
rain falls,
breezes blow,
all returns
to normal

Sunday, April 04, 2004

How can someone want two totally different things at once. How can I one want out of a relationship so badly. But want it to workout, so deeply, so desperately?

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I sit here, and i wonder where my real life whent? Did someone come by in the middle of the night, and steal it, and leafe a crapy one in its place? I want to know where it went, and why i cant have it back. Because this one is really bugging the hell out of me.

How do i tell her now, "hey there i have almost killed your favorite pet, and i dont want to be with you anymore"! ?
I realy just dont know what to do wqith my life any more, what do i want, where am i going? I think i really need a change?

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?