random thaughts

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Saturday night, and i am sitting here all by myself. Compleatly bored out of my mind. I need to get a life, because this one is lame.
I went and trained today for 3 hours, because there was really nothing else to do. Now dont get me wrong. I don't go and train just because i am bored, I do however often spend much more time training when I am bored. I did get a lot accomplished though. So it was good.

I also started planning out the class that I will be teaching, so that i have some idea of what I am going to be doing. I have a couple of weeks to get it all figured out though. I start on Sept. 2, so I have to get it all ironed out by then. I am very excited about it though.

I am still on the hunt for a second job, with no luck. I hope to find something soon though.

I talked with master the other day, and I feel better abot myself. I know that what ever others think, reather it be that I have no skills or great skills, master supports me. I know that he thinks i am a good person and deserve to be where I am.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Lately I have spent a great deal of time meditating mostly on one topic. This being the fact that I will be teaching a new afterschool class at the middle school. 4 days a week, mon-thur. Each class being about 1-2 hours each. Am I going to be qualified to teach this class on my own. Do I have the skills and the knowledge to do this. I am not sure. Master seams to think that I will do fine. He told me to work hard and he would be a suport to me. I have had some experience with teaching on my own, but I have never been this worried about it before. WHY?

Rousseau (philosopher) introduced the idea that "an individual cannot be forced to learn." Are these kids going to want to learn or are they going to be there just to try and be cool. Maybe this is my problem. I worry that they are not there to learn what I have to teach. Are they going to be interested in the content of the class or the image. Maybe I just worry to much, I dont know.

I gave up a chance to go to the beach today. I would have had a place to stay and would not have had to pay anything for the 3 days we would be gone. But I thought I should work instead. SO maybe I can go next summer.

Listening to a great band right now. A local Band called Rubber Hed. Kind of punk, kind of metal, but they rock. I saw them at the 101x 8ball, and they were one of the best ones there. Maybe not as nationaly known as Eve 6 but still put on a great show. I am also watching the ferrets run around the house. They are sooooo cute. I love them all. I wish that I could just hug them all of the time.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

"When your Mind, Body, and Spirit move in one direction you can accomplish anything"

What do you get when nothing moves in the same direction???

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

"As I move through life I wonder where the happiness comes from, and where it goes. Some times I am happy mostly I am not. I do many things that make me happy, at that moment. But am I truly happy and how do I know. Will there be a giant neon sign at the end of the road that says "YOU ARE HAPPY NOW", or will I have a dream one night where i tell myself that I am happy. Or do i go through life thinking that I am happy, but never really knowing."

I started my first day back at work today after along summer of training and looking for work. I do not love my job, but they pay well, and i may also get some extra pay this year for after school programs.

I often wonder in my training, do i have any self confidence? I dont think so, all the confidence i put off is just an external show. I wonder, what do others think of my skills. Do the people that ask me for help not know that I dont know anything, or are they just humoring me to make me feel better about myself? I also wonder what my seniors think of me and my skills. I have resantly double promoted to Pum-dan, and I got alot of suprized looks from people. I dont know if they were happy for me or if they were thinking"why did he get that" I just dont know...

I will continue to do my best though, no matter what others think.

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