random thaughts

Monday, August 18, 2003

In life we are defined by how we handle what is delt us. Do we just except everything that comes our way and let it pass over us? DO we worry about all the little things? Do we except little things and worry ourselves over the big things until we are physicaly sick? DO I just curl up and die? Do we just say screw it and go on with life no matter what te consiquences are? It's all in how we deal.

Have you ever been to the point where you thaught that life couldn't get any worse, only to realize that you are only at the top level of the hole and working your way ever deeper and sweiftly? This is the point when we are all defined as a person. Do I curl and cry tell I am sick? Do I just culr up and die?

A wise man told me every fortune and sucsess came from failure, defeat, and loss. Well god damnit I am going to be the most succesfull person in the whole damn universe. Cause i am pretty much at the bottem now, so on the brighter side I don't think that there is any place to go but up. Or into a cardboard box.

I realized thawt I have failed at a great many things in my life. My pre-college education. I never, ever took it searious. I wasted time, i dident study, I got in trouble, I skiped a lot of classes so that I could go and "help" other teachers. As a hole I was a Fuck-up. I did have a few saving graces in school thought.(To be talked about in another blog) In school I failed my parents, my teachers and most of all myself. I shot myself in the foot, I made it to the point that only one College would except me, and I even screwed that up.

I really screwed up the relationship that I had with my father. I remember when I was young, he came to me and told me a story about his father and himself. They got in to a physical fight over a very trivial point. To the day my grandfather died, dad still had issues with that event. They were never close again. My dad told me he never wanted that to happen again. I promissed myself that I wouldn't let that happen. Flash forward several years to my high school year. Trivial point, fight, broken ribs, antimosity. I havent talked to him now in over a year. Onece again I failed my parents and most of all myself.

Then we get to college. I fucked up almost everything i did while I was there. I went to college as a forestry major, which could have given me a lot of financial stability if i hadent be so stupid. When I was growing up, I hated to do math of anny sort. So when i got to college and they told me that i would be taking almost all of the math classes, I changed majors, with out a second thought. STUPID. So I took camping instead. I had a great deal of fun, but I cant do a god damn thing with it.

My first simester I did nothing. Then came grades. 1.8 gpa.I did pay atention a little bit more after that point. But as a whole my college education was usless. Once againj failling almost everybody, myself most of all.

I did get one good thing out of college though. I met a great girl. Who must be stupid to have stayed with me all of this time. We have been to gether for a long time and in that time I think that i have broken almost every promise that I have made to her. I tell her that i will do something, or this will happen or what ever. And I always fuck it up.i have never been unfaithful though. Even in all of the time that she has been away for work. Mind you that i have met one other women that i think is absulotly beautiful, great smile, nice family, smart. T tell you the truth I dont think I have ever helds a converstion with her other that " I made those" "There great!" But there is nothing there and there never will be as long as my girl will keep me.

She left me here to work and take care of the appartment, pets, plants, cars, etc.. Talk about screwed up. No money, several of the pets have died under my care. Almost all of the plants are dead. I killed one of the cars. I have just generaly fucked every thing up.

I often wonder why she hasn't left. or thrown me out. With all of the screw ups I just dont get it. For that mater I dont know why i stay and put her through all of the hell that I do. I do love her though, and I hope day in and day out that thats enough.

I have had so many others that I cant even count them. But no matter how much I screw up I think about all of the lives that I touch daily, and it just makes me go on. There is one student in the kids class at masters, who helps make things so much nicer. Her family always tells me how much she likes me, and that she always has a great time working with me. And If I hade to make all of those mistakes again just to hear about one person like that that i have tuched. They i would do each of them a million times.

I am so worried now about my financial failiures, that i can hardly think about the fact that I am about to teach a class which represrents not only myself and the school district, mu Master and Tukong as well. He is one of the three people in the world that I wish to not fail. SO I hope that I can get through all of the other problems so that I can Represent myself, my skills, and master to the best of my ability.

I think that it comes down to the fact that i have had so many failiures in the past, that i am tired of it and i want it to stop. So I am trying to fix it.

I give myself a year and if Icant get things straight I am going to become a monk, and join a temple. I will just move on and start a new life, and find new people to touch, and new ways to do it.

But we will have to see, wont we

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