random thaughts

Thursday, August 28, 2003

The day brightens as she walks in
Others may not see it, She may not see it,
But I do,
The clouds thin,
The wind blows cooler,
The suns warmth grows,
The birds sing louder,
The flowers smell sweeter,
Her voice stirs feelings of joy,
Her smile so bright,
We work together,
We sweat together,
No matter the condition,
Her beauty always shines through,
I take joy in her presence,
She is the bright spot in my day.
With out her the world would be to dark of a place.

For S.
More Poetry

"Emptiness and Loneliness"

"In the darkness I reach for her
Knowing she is not there,
I listen for her sounds
But they are not there,
I stand at the door and stare
At the place we once slept,
I sit in the places we once sat,
I go to the places we once visited,
I look for the joy, the happiness,
But it is gone and so is she,
Leaving only emptiness and loneliness"

Let me know what you think of these poems. I would like to know what people think. Since I think only two people read this other than my self, I hope someone stumbles on to this.

I am tired of felling useless. I hate the feeling. I would rather sit on the couch and get fat and die, than to have to sit through another class and watch people. I feel like there is so much that I should be doing. I know that my training has gone down hill since I injured my self. I don’t train even with 50% of the effort I used to I and gaining weight, and I sucks. Master tells me a month then I can start to train normally again. I don’t know if I will make it. We did however start to learn a new sword form last night. FUN

Do you ever get lonely? What do you do about it? I have a fiancé, which I have hardly seen in the past 10 months. It sucks. I miss physical contact. I think that one of my favorite parts of training has become the end of class. I get to hug everyone, and it is great. There is contact, with that even for a split second I don’t feel alone. I think that is the most horrible part of her being away, the growing feeling that I am alone. Sure I have friends that I hang out with sometimes. But that lasts a few hours. Then I go home and it is just me in a small lonely apartment. I have pets that I play with but it is not human contact and it is not the same. It has gotten to the point that I will spend as much time at work as I can so I am around people, then I spend as much time as I can at the school for the contact. Then after that I try to find things to do just so I am around people. The grocery store is a great place as is masters’ restaurant.
In college I did not have this problem. I spent days on end by my self. No girlfriend to start with. And I never felt alone. I just feel cut of from everything. All of my best friends are part of a couple or couples. I end up feeling like the odd man out when I hang out with them or people talk crap about me. So it makes it worse. But when I am with them I see them do all of the couple type things, and I just want to curl up and cry. I have been reading a book of poems that are pretty old, and they make life even worse. I read them and I think, "These are ok. But life sucks"

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

"She haunts me nightly,
I dream of her daily,
I see her beauty,
Yet her face still eludes me.

I know not who she is,
But I must spend my life searching for her
For I am destined to love her,
And I cannot live without looking for her,
And loving her."

What do ya think? I will tell ya were it came from later

I am starting to feel as though i have been training for almost 3 years, and I have learned nothing. People ask me questions and i dont know anymore. Anxiety and dispare are building. I had a converstaion with a friend the other day about these things building as you progress. I told her that it was a natural progression, and every one would have to deal with it in there own way.I dont know how to deal with it , but most of the time i just want to climb into bed and hide. i think about how close the black belt test is for the other pumdans and I hope that they are not having the same feelings as I I need another 2 pr 3 years to get down just the basics, but they have to have it all down in a few months. The thought scares the hell out of me.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

I am back in the land of the living today. Yesterday I thought that i was dying, if not already dead. Friday night I decided to do the overnight training at the Masters. We were up all night and on our feet almost the whole time. My legs are still sore. We also did smoke training. They set off a smoke bomb and we trained. It was fun at the time. But by the time we went home I had a spliting headach. By the time I got into bed it was a full blown migraine. I got to bed at 6:10am, and was up the first time to vomit at 6:30am. Then 7:00, and 7:30, and then again at 8:30. My head was in such pain that I stayed in bed half of the day. The pain that accompanies a migrane is insane, I would reather break a finger then have a migraine. I was feeling ok by 6:00pm, but still a little out of it. I am mostly ok today, still a little stiffness and pain here and there, which will go away. But my weekend has been shortened by being sick.

At leasat while I was sick I was to busy to worry about any other problems.

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