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random thaughts

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

More Poetry

The one
"As I dream I dream of living, living a life with out love.
Without her love, for she is my soulmate.
I dream of life without the beauty of her starry eyes, or soft sweet smelling skin.
The way her hair shines in the mourning sun, and the joy that fills me as I watch her sleep.
I awake in the night with the horrible feeling that she is not there, that she is gone.
Desperately I search for her sleeping form, and I find it there next to me.
I rest easier then.
Now deeply disturbed by this dream I start to think, what would it be like to live without her love.
As I lay by her side and watch her sleep, I realize that I would gladly dyer a million deaths just to live with her love, for just one minute."

Let me know what you think.

I am tired of being sick; I am tired of being hurt. I feel like crap because I cant do anything the way it should be done. I start teaching on Monday, and I have trouble doing my own stuff. The rest of life sucks as well. Lots of bills, no money. I just want life to stop sucking so much.

I get migraines. About once a year normally, maybe twice a year if I am really lucky. Now I have had 4 in the past month. I hate it. They suck, I cant do any thing about them or while I have them. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!!

Have you ever just gotten tired of where you are/ I am getting that way. Life is starting to stagnate. I want a real job, I want friends, and I want to be somewhere else. I am starting to get sick of this town; I am tired of being here by my self. I am 25, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have done almost nothing with it up to this point. I feel lost; I have no goals in life. I have no plans to go anywhere. It sucks. Mostly I have come to the conclusion that I am just a loser. I can’t get a job, not even at Exxon or target. What the hell is wrong with me I have a college degree and I can’t get a fucking job at the hardware store. I have to make some sort of a change before my mind explodes. I think that I may start to go insane soon. I have no real talents for anything that is going to get me anywhere in life.

All right I am done complaining for now. More of that later.

We have learned 4 new sword forms/activities in class in the last week, and my mind is going numb. To much sword. I dream of swords. Well I dream of doing sword work, but since I don’t actually use a sword because of my shoulder I dream of invisible swords. There is just so much to learn. Hopefully I will get half of it before I die. Every time I learn something, master shows us 10 more things. I often feel as though I am drowning. But I guess that is life.

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