<$BlogRSDUrl$>

random thaughts

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Movve to Hawii and be with the one I love, even thogh we fight all the time. Always Be unsure about if you are going to betogether the next day. or Cut it off. Stay here were i have training and one or two good friends. I have been with the same women now for over 6 years, if i stay was that time just wasted. I look at my life and what i have. everything I own could be stuffed in the trunk of a car. I have nofamilly here, aand very fiew friends. I dont want to turn into someone who does nothing but train martial arts all day, and have no social interation, or fisicat relationships. But i dont know if i can handdel all of the fighting and arguments. I dont know eaither way. I have what seems like so little that i am not sure. I love her so much but i jus dont know. Mybe I have already wasted enough of "her" life, and now it is time to say thank you for the time and let her move on. I just dont know......
Movve to Hawii and be with the one I love, even thogh we fight all the time. Always Be unsure about if you are going to betogether the next day. or Cut it off. Stay here were i have training and one or two good friends. I have been with the same women now for over 6 years, if i stay was that time just wasted. I look at my life and what i have. everything I own could be stuffed in the trunk of a car. I have nofamilly here, aand very fiew friends. I dont want to turn into someone who does nothing but train martial arts all day, and have no social interation, or fisicat relationships. But i dont know if i can handdel all of the fighting and arguments. I dont know eaither way. I have what seems like so little that i am not sure. I love her so much but i jus dont know. Mybe I have already wasted enough of "her" life, and now it is time to say thank you for the time and let her move on. I jujst dont know......
WHY?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't she be happy?

Why can't we be happy together?

Will it ever work for us?

Will we always to differant?

Monday, December 08, 2003

Lets talk about life.

I wake up every morning and rollover to an incredible feeling of loneliness. I lay there and think to my self " why do I do this to my self, is it really worth it." Does she really love me enough, do I really love her enough to stay her by my self with these horrible feeling of loneliness, and depression, for a year and a half. What will happen when we finally make it back together? We fight constantly. Are we in love or do we just not know anything else. It makes me feel very trapped, especially when I go out places with friends who are parts of couples. I look at them and it makes everything hurt. Why can’t that be me? I have started to hate going out with friends because I always feel left out in that area. Am I wasting my time here waiting for her, or will everything work out. It has gotten to the point that we fight about everything. And it always gets turned into my fault. We don’t even seam to have the same likes and dislikes anymore. Will a year apart have changed us so much that we can’t be together anymore? I just don’t know. This is how my morning starts.
No money so we skip breakfast and go off to work. 7:30-5:30 at a middle school with 1200 student who really don’t want to be there. They have no respect for themselves or me, and they let me know every day. I spend the regular school day dealing with this. Then I go on to The Tukong class I teach. Lets talk about pressure. I am the only Pum Dan how has been allowed to teach class. I have even been given a teaching certificate with in the federation. I ask my self every day do I have what it takes, to help these kids. How do all that needs to be done with this class with out failing someone? The Children, Master, or myself. I don’t know which would hurt me the most. But I don’t want to find out. The children in my classes are so different from the children in the HQ classes; they come from totally different places. Several of my students are special education students, I try so hard, but am I getting through to them. Most of the students at my school come from very low-end economically challenged families, and don’t have the money to buy uniforms. It makes me happy to know that at least through this program they are getting a chance to learn the art, but I know that very few of them will be able to go the HQ and take classes because they just cant afford it. How do you tell those children that they can never take classes at the same place as me because they are too poor. I don’t know. I try so hard to make this work, but I don’t know if it is, and I don’t want to fail. I have already had too much failure in my life. I can’t handle failing anymore. Which brings us to another part of life.
Tukong Moosul
I have been training tukong now for almost three years, and it is one of the only things that I truly enjoy. I train a lot. For one thing when I train I don’t think about the depression or the loneliness. There is just what I can do and me. Everything else disappears. But as I train now a day I am beginning to realize that everything I know is wrong. There is not one thing that I have been doing for the past three years that is not wrong. Every form, every stance, every kick, every punch. It is all wrong. People look up to me and come to me for answers because I am a Pum Dan, I can’t just tell them to go away because I know nothing. That would be a great disrespect to Master, and I can’t do that to him. He works very hard for all of us, and he goes out of his way to help me in every way. I just don’t know what to do. In 12 days I will be testing for my black belt test, and I am not ready. There are so many things that I need to work on, but I just don’t have time. I feel it deep inside as I train now, I see people doing things right, and I cant get it, and it is starting to eat me up from the inside. When I was in 4th grade I started to take martial arts and from that moment on I have wanted to become a black belt, it will kill me if I cannot do it. I can’t take the feeling s of knowing that I cant be the best at something I enjoy so much. I don’t know what to do, or how to handle it. People tell me that I look great at such and such and I will be fine on the test, but inside I know the truth. Am I wasting my time with this as well? Should I put my time into something else, I just don’t know anymore. This brings us back to the relationship thing again. One of the biggest wedges between us is tukong, how do I deal with that. I will be moving to an island that has nothing on it, just to be with this woman, I am again leaving everything I know and have behind for her. When do I get to have my life? I know when I get there I w ill start training less and less, and then soon it will completely stop. Then I will have nothing.
I had the chance to have a great and promising job her, as a police officer. But I am giving that up to follow a woman. She first left last November for an internship in Salt Lake City, and I didn’t voice my thoughts, and they were not asked for. She got the chance and went. She came back for two months and got offered a position as an intern in Hawaii, great, but once again I was not asked for my opinions or thought. She was to stay her until Aug. and work so that we could save up some money. Then they called and asked her to come early. MAY. Not August. So off she goes. I am left her again to wait for her with out my input. Then she gets a permanent position there, and now she is there. I will try and get there with her, but is it what we really want. Does she want me there? She goes dancing every week, and I don’t like to dance. She tries to force me to go but I don’t like it. I know that she will not give up this newfound hobby, so what do I do. Go to the middle of nowhere to sit at home while she goes clubing. I don’t know how many more differences our relationship can take. We are already so stretched as it is. I can almost feel us starting to break. How long can I spend my life following someone, before I start to live my life?
The one thing that I would really like to have, and I miss is having a female companion. Yes, I have female friend, I guess my best friend is a women. But I miss cuddling. I miss physical contact, holding hands, hugs, laying in bed and holding someone, being held by someone. I miss talking as well. I talk a good bit with shay, but it’s not the same. I don’t try and find friends that are girls either. As long as Karen and I are together I will never be a good friend with a girl that is not already a good friend of ours. I feel so guilty being around other women. It again is another reason not to go out to places with people I know. I go to parties and see girls I would like to get to know, but I feel like it would be wrong. When I was in middle school, high school, and college, almost all of my friends were girls. Many of them were great and we could sit there curled up under a blanket together and watch a movie and not have any weird feelings. But it’s all different now. I have Karen who I argue with weekly on the phone, and Shay who I see mostly in training, and it just doesn’t work that way anymore, and I miss it. It gets worse and worse every day. I Just miss the contact.
I hate being by myself now too. I used to love to just go places and be by myself. If I ended up at home by my self for a week, great. But now I can’t stand it. I start to think about all the stuff that is burying me, and I cant breath. So I spend all of my time at work, training and at a friends house playing videogames. Anything so that I don’t have to be alone. I hardly ever clean anymore, because I am never here, so the house is always a mess. And now I have to start selling off the furniture that cant be moved to Hawaii, so the place is just going to start to clutter. I really am starting to hate the place that I live. So when I do finally make it home I lay in bed for hours thinking about all of this stuff. I really can’t remember a time when I actually got a good nights rest. Most nights I don’t manage to fall asleep until at least 3, and then I have to be up again at 6. I try reading to fall asleep, doesn’t work. Music, doesn’t work. Meditation, tie chi, tea, everything. They just don’t work. For the last six years I have had the same familiar sound smells and sight, in the bed next to me, and they were very comforting, but they are no longer there. I lie there and think about what those things were like, and whish I had them again. But we have been apart for so long now I don’t remember them. What will they be like when we get together, well we last. I think that it all comes down to this I am lonely and it all makes me depressed, so if I had a companion to spend quality time with things would get better. But I don’t and can’t have one, because I love Karen and couldn’t do anything to hurt her. So I bottle it all up inside and deal with it.
And that’s my life except for the part about being sick since October. I have had two weeks since the beginning of October. That I have not either had a cold, stomach virus, flu, or a migraine. It kills me, and I hate it. I am always sick. And all of the other stresses of life don’t make it any better.
I know that there are people out there that have many more problems with life than I do. I read many of the different blogs out there, and I just want to let people know that other people have problems to.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?