random thaughts

Saturday, December 20, 2003

well as i expected the test came and went. I did wat i was asked, and i tried my ass off. I was very happy today in seeing many of my friends do so well in there testing, and i was very proud of Dave and myself, because we were asked to brake 3 boards with a middle punch, and Dave and I wered the only 2 out of the 10 people that did it. I was also saddened at seeing other friends beat thems selves to black and blue because things didnt work the first time. In a past blog i wrote about a girl that i was very attracted to, and i was very overjoyed to see her today, though i did not get to converse with her. Anyway we all passed, with only a hand full of broken bones, luckely none were mine.
Now what? I have no one to share my happiness with. I am still all alone. I went to the party that master had for us, but it was very lonely, seeing everyone so happy and knowing that most of them had someone t share it with. I dont know what now, i still dont know where my life is going. ANd one of the only goals i have had is gone, so now what?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

So the culmination of three years of training all comes down to me passing a six or seven hour test. That test being this saturday makes me a little nervous.I dont feel confident in anything that i have to know. And i have to know a lot of stuff for this test. How can you show three years worth of training , sweat, blood, tears in one small test.
It all comes down th failure. I have so many people that i will be letting down if i fail this test. Master, my friends whom i train with, tim, myself, but most of all my studentshow can i go back to them and say "hay i wasnt good enough to get my black belt, but i still want you to listen to me." I cant handle failure at this time in my life. I just cant.
Then after the test either way it goes i have to decide if i am moving, or if i am staying in this appartment. then i have to decide what i want to do with my life. Plus there is christmas. JUst too much. I am over whelmed and i just cant deal with it.

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