random thaughts

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Its christmas eve and i am sitting here by my self. I am haveing a wonderful dinner of cheese curles and a snickers, because everything is closed except for exxon.
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I used to think those people who are all bitter and unhappy about it were just messed up. An d now i know, yes they are messed up, and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. Growing up christmas eve was almost more important than christmas. Lots of people togethere having a great dinner/party, watching christmas movies and having fun. Theres not supposed to be any ot theis sitting on your ass by your self stuff. But here i am sitting on my ass alone, ,and im really gettign tired of being alone and unhappy. I love her but i dont know how much more of this i can take.
Merry christmas though, to all of you who are out there, i hope you have a great time!

Monday, December 22, 2003

What did I learn in my first class as a Black Belt? I learned that i have been doing my kicks wrong for 3 years now and no one thought to tell me untill now. I know there are so many new things to learn, but this is going to take me forever to fix. it seems like the l8ittle things just never fall into place for me.
No matter how well i am doing in life, there i always something that i miss. To many things just fall through the cracks.Not just in Tukong but in all aspects of life.
Class today was not what i expected, i dont really know what i expected. BUt i dont think that was it. I know that it was a differant class than i noramlly go to but still. I dont know what to exspect because i dont know what i want. I have no goals to look forward to, i dont know where i am going with in my training anymore. WHat am i doing? Where am i going? WHy am i not happy about this? Why could she not be happy for me? Whats wrong with me? I dont understand myself anymore and it bothers me.

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