random thaughts

Monday, January 12, 2004


Sunday, January 11, 2004

It all comes down to one question "is this your way of saying its over?"
I dont know how to answer that question. Half of me screams yes, les end i and start over with new lives. And half of me says no we can fix things. But i cant tell you which half is right. Do i pull up everything ad go there knowing that things won change. Do i pull up everything and go there hoping that things will get better. Do i stay here and say thanks for the last 6 years, but its time to start over. Is odd to think that 6 years of life all come togeather at two words "yes" or "no". i dont know how to even come to that answer. If i say no, will there always be that doubt in the back of her mind as to why im there. If i say yes will i be losing my oldest friend. Could we still be friends after that. Is this a mutual point that we are both at, or is it just me.
This whole situaton has just messed me up. I have started to lose rack of what im doing. I spent 5 hours on saturday just siting by the lake looking at birds, and i though that i had only been there a few minuts. I space out all of the time now, i cant consintrate on anything,i cant focus.
I guess it all comes down to me in the end. What am i looking for from life, where am i going, wha do i want? What are my plans, what are my goals? I dont know. How does one find these answers.
I find it even harder still because two of my best friends have now gotten engaged, and are enjoying all of that excitment. I look at them, and i wonder how i got from there to were i am now. And then i wonder why i cant be that happy. And i hope desperetly that every thing works out for them. I dont want my friends to have to go through this as well. Because it is not a good place to be.

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