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random thaughts

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Well i dont even know where to start anymore. So lets start with my overwelmingly depressing day.
I got up early today to take a friend to work, and played videogames after that. i was so boared with that, that i actually fell asleep at the key board.
I later whent to a very nice party, thoug again it was very depressing. It was an engagement party for two of my good friends. Everyone was so happy and full of chear. My life, and relationship ar so fuckedup right now, i just cant handel things like that. I cant do th large social group gatherings anymore. Everything there reminded me of my relationship, and how messed up it is. it sucked, but i am truley happy for my two friends. There was a bright spot to the whole thing. Every now and then i write about the girl that i really am attracted to. I got to see her today for just a little while, and i think that she maybe the cutest women in the world. But again we did not talk, and she does not know, and it wil say that way. But i did see her.
I talked to one of my friends while i was ther, and we talked about my relationship abit. She told me to follow my eart. Then she hit the nail on the haed, by sating that i am very indifferent. I dont know what the hell i want.
After the party several friends and i went to see a movie, which was supposed to be a very funny movie. It was the mos depressing thing i have ever seen. Here is this guy who is having problems. Deep down inside he dosnt know what he wants. He starts off happy with a great plan, then it turns to shit. Then he finds something good. Thus starts his inturnal strugle. Everyturn of the ovie brought to mind some thought, all of those little cries that come from inside. I almost left, i also almost cried. In the end everything works out for him though.What the hell is wrong with me why cant i be happy, why cant things work out for me? Everything i do now adays just gets me, i cant do anyting right. I very much want to get back on track with my fiance, but there is tis very loud voice from somewere inside that tells me something is not right. What do i do.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

i made this chose so that i would, be happy, and fell les stresss of the whole situation. WEll ifailed at that two. We have been talking about working things out, which is great, but it seems to me like i am not alowed to make my own dicisions. I chose to stay in my apartment, "that was wrong, i cnat make it on my own, i should leave." I am getting so tired of this. i love her so much , and i wont things to work, but with in a week of the first decision, here i am again, unhappy and miserable. I am so tired.

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