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random thaughts

Thursday, January 29, 2004

You know I reread this bog every now and then, as well as one of my friends, and I realize that we both have found parts of our lives to fixate on. I think we would both be so much happier if we could just get past those points.
But I also think it will take us forever to realize the answers to those questions that we always ask ourselves. But once we figure those things out, our lives will be truly wonderful.

Why do we choose to fixate on things like this? No one is out there twisting our arms saying do this, or we only like you for this, or why do you do this. It is solely our chose. We set it in to our minds, that things are a certain way, and we can’t really change them. We are wrong, it takes a lot of work to do it, but I believe that it is possible.


I always wonder some thing, why do we like the people that we do. Both plutonic and non. What is it that keeps us attracted to those people that we have pulled into our lives? And why do we take it upon ourselves to try and change those people that are near us? And total off of topic, why do girls like dancing so much? Anyway.... once we have chosen a partner in life, what is it that keeps us with them. I know everyone is going to say love, but what IS it? Why do I stay with Karen, why are Shay and Ali together, what abut Paul and Michell. Just three couples, all about the same ages, what is it that binds us to our partner. I sit here and think about it, and I am finding it hard to come up with answers. If I asked shay or Michell, or even Karen, what it was they liked about their partners, what was it that made them chose that person, and why they stay, I wonder what they would say. I always hear people say, "What is it that you love about so and so?" or "what first attracted you to so and so?" I am finding it hard to find those answers. What is it that I truly love about Karen? I know that we have been together for a long time, and we have been through a lot, and done a lot together, but what else is there? What do I love about her that is not just superficial? What does anyone really like about me?, not just Karen. What is it that is inside of us that people are attracted to? I bet I could give you more reasons why I like some of my female friends, easier, and faster than I can about my own fiancé....

If you have any comments or great input on this one, please let me know

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I remember when i used to be. When i was a little younger, and in love. I enjoyed getting up everyday and doing things. i enjoyed going to bed everynight, and dream about everything. Now i dread going to sleep, and wking up. I had great friends, and i did great things. I rember when i was happy, but i dont remember what it is like to be happy. It has been so long, is it still posable for me to be that way again. Will it happen in my current relationship???? Or will that have to end first??? If so will she be happy , what would happen. I know that i have made the decision to try and make things worl between us, but there is still something deep inside that says something is not right. Everyday, i see people that are happy within their relationships, and i just miss that so much, i was alway under the assumption that that is what you were in a relationship for. I guess i was wrong
I remember when i used to be. When i was a little younger, and in love. I enjoyed getting up everyday and doing things. i enjoyed going to bed everynight, and dream about everything. I had great friends, and i did great things. I rember when i was happy, but i dont remember what it is like to be happy. It has been so long, is it still posable for me to be that way again. Will it happen in my current relationship???? Or will that have to end first??? If so will she be happy , what would happen. I know that i have made the decision to try and make things worl between us, but there is still something deep inside that says something is not right. Everyday, i see people that are happy within their relationships, and i just miss that so much, i was alway under the assumption that that is what you were in a relationship for. I guess i was wrong!

Monday, January 26, 2004

why is it i can be happy just looking at a girl i dont even know? It made me feel happy, and some what content. But then i talk to the girl ive been with for 6 years, and it all starts to turn to shit.

Unhappiness
depression
lonelyness

We have talked about trying to make things right, and if we can we have talked about actually gettiing married this year. But how can that happen if i still feel like crap after we have talked. Since i made my decision , and told her, we have talked 4 times. the first was us talking about fixing things, then the next 2 were just to make sure things were going better, But the 4 ended in a fight. We are doing better than we were, it used to end every call with an argument. , so to get through 3 first is good for our record. But i am still so unhappy. THere are so many things that i still want. But i know that she really needs me. I just cant let her be unhappy. That is our whole thing always trying to make her happen, and most often failing. I just have this hole building deep inside, and i dont know what to do about it. am i destined in life to only be happy in those few times that i see some cute girl i dont know. Why can i be with someone, who loves me for who i am , and doesnt want me to change? Why cant things be about me? Maybe i am selfish, but damnit i want things too. When i am sick , i want someone who will come to my bed side, and look over me while im sick. Someone who will take care of me. When we were together i always took care of her. I can remeber once when i was sick, she made me soup, then went out to spend the evening with her friend. i have given up so much, for her, and i want it all back. I have lost friends. A lot of them. I want them back. She hates my family, all of them. They drive me crazy yes, but i still love them. Why cant i be with the cute girl and be happy. Mind you, i dont know her, i dont have any idea what she is really like, would we work out together. I dont really think so, again like with Karen, we come from such different backgrounds. I just want to know why i cant be happy. Is it my fate to just lead a lonely sad life? I want to know why it seems like everyone else is happy and things are great, and why i cant be like that? I just dont understand anymore. What do i do, stay with a women who says she loves me and wants to be with me , knowing that i may never be truly happy, or do i cut my losses and send her in to that horible place. How do you make this kind of disision, based solely on ones selfish wants. Should i be thinking about how things will effect her so much. Or should i start focusng more on me and what i want. I meditate, and look for these answers, but i dont know where they are, or how to find it.
All of these feelings and thoughstarted to pop in to my head after that cute girl left. I was great when i could see her, but damn her now for making all of this come to the surfice, just by here leaving. When will i get to make the disisions in my life that will make me happy, and when will people stop telling me that those desisions im trying to make are wrong? Its getting harder and harder to cope. I dont want to go out with people anymore, i dont want to do anything, when i do i just start to think about all of the shit that i am going through. You dont know, i dont think many people can understand how hard it is to go on with the everyday life, like nothingis going on. Aspecialy when your friends are so happy about there pending new life together. I see them and other couples, and i see all of the things that we did, and i start to see the placecs in which we started going wrong. It is just so over whelming. It fells like i am trying to empty the mississippi with a teaspoon. When did my life become so distorted by my fealings for girls. I dont understand it i dont feel like ijm leadin my own life anymore. I am now just a long for the ride. I gave some friends some advice recently. "dont focus on the end of the journy, it comes faster than you will ever know, but take joy and happiness from every stop and twist along the way." An instructor/friend gave me some advice once, it was the most profound thing anyone has ever told me. "enjoy the adventure" I find now that im tired of the adventure, and im just looking for the end of the trail. The boats full of holes, and all the suplies aregone. The paddles broke long ago. Why am i still adventuring, i think that it is getting close to the time that i hang up my travel gear and stop.

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