random thaughts

Thursday, February 05, 2004

I remember when I was in third or fourth grade we had two dogs. On was a small dachshund, named Ginger. She was one of my favorite friends. We had been together since I was in diapers. We used to play all of the time.
One day I woke up for school, and came into the kitchen where Gingers box was kept. There was a blanket over the box. I could see that there was something in the box still. So I asked my mom if Ginger was cold. And after many minutes of talking and a lot of crying, I finally understood that she was gone. I remember looking at my mother and father, neither of which where crying. I still had to go to school that day. It affected me so much that day that mom had to come and get me from school. I was crying and shaking so much; I could not hold my pencil. So I came home and watched mom and dad burry Ginger in the back yard. Still when I looked at them they did not cry. I thought at that moment that I hoped I would be an adult when my next pet died. When I am in the area I still go by the house where she is buried, and say hi, and I still cry. But at that time I knew that if I were an adult I would not cry.

On my way home from the emergency animal clinic, I had to stop I 3 different parking lots, until the crying stopped. I realize now how wrong I was then, and how hard it hits you as an adult when you lose a pet. I have five, or had, and I love every one of them. I know that when the others die it will be just as hard.

I spent the evening at the emergency clinic, waiting for the vet to come tell me that Deedlit was ok, and that she was going to make it through the surgery just fine. I sat there for a long time just hoping. Finally one of the techs came out, and said that Deedlit had done well, and that they were able to remove the adrenal tumor that she had, but that she had some liver damage. All we had to do now was to wait for the vet to close her up, and for her to wake up.

15 minutes pass.

The vet comes out of the back "she didn’t make it". Her liver had shut down and she was so weak, that she couldn’t come out of it. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t think of what to do, what to say. May only answer was "it happens I guess". They made two very nice little prints of her front paws for us. And they rapped her up in a nice pillowcase for m, and put her in a box for me. Then they gave me a credit off of the overall payment, because we no longer needed the extra meds.

When I got home, I called Karen to tell her our little girl did not make it. We said nothing, just cried for at least 10 minutes. I have not felt closer to Karen in a long time. I just wished that she were here with me to hold and pet Deedlit one last time. I wanted her to be here, so I don’t have to dig the hole by my self. I wanted her here so I do not have to put Deedlit in the hole by my self. I wanted her here to hold me. I wanted her here so I could tell her how much I love her, and how much I miss her.

Did this have to happen for me to realize how much Karen still means to me, and how I still love her, how much I still want to be wit her?

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

well since i dont know what to do with life, i have decided not to think about it for a few days, and see how i feel. It used to be that i didnt worry about anything. But now i am always worried about something. And i sit and think about it, life is not that bad. So i have a fucked up relationship. easy to fix if i could make up myu mind. im over weight. Eascy to fix. I have poor confidance in my martial arts skills. Easy to fix. I have a place to live, i have at least two friends who care. I have a job at the moment. If i could just get off of my ass, and make up my mind, things would be fine again.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Why is it that everyone knows what i should do but me? I alked to a friend from college today, i havent taked to her in 3 years, but with in five minutes, she told me that i should cut things off, and be selfish, and do what will make me happy. She told me that i didnt even soud (through my instant messages) like the person she new in college. I was a very happy person, always in a good mood. But she said u was just so down.

Am i really that open to people? CAn people read me that easily?

ANd what are the damned dreams telling me? Agin a future view of life, with the woman who i know in the dream to be my wife. And a view of what our life is like. Damn it why cant they just stop. They are starting to really get to me. I used to look forward to actually being asleep, not going to sleep, but being asleep. IT was the one place where i could have good, happy feelings, and not have them effect my life at all. I never remember my dreams, so why are these ones so vivid. What is my mind telling me by the choises of women it has picked for these different dreams. Now when i sleep, i have these dreams, and i remember every part of them. I end up spnding a lot of time thinking about them.
I really like what they have shown me, i almost wish that they were atually posable. I could almost see my self spending the rest of my life with the women in my dreams, i dont think i would mind it a bit. Though i know in real life, very few people are attracted to me. I really wold love any of them to come tru, though i know that is imposable. I have excepted the fact that i am not avery attractive person, and i am over waight. That is ok. One thing that i am getting from these dreams, is the wish to know that there were people out there that are beautiful and are attracted to me. But other than that i just dont get them. These thhings are starting to drive me crazy.
When Karen and i started dating just over 6 years ago, i used to have dreams about our wedding all of the time. i always hoped for dreams like that. but i have not had one of those dreams in a long, long time. I have had other dreams in the last year about being married, and karen is never in them. Though she was in one i had a long time ago. She was the f brides maid. I was slightly amused at the time. Why all of these other women and not her? I know most people dont think dreams mean anything, but i have always though that some of them did. And when you get the same one over and over again, Someone is trying to tell you something.

I know that there are very few people that actually read this thing, but to those of you that do, please let me know what you think dreams can tell us, and give me some feed back on mine.
I cant stay awake. Lately, every time i sit down, i fall asleep. I have sleeped through tukong now atleast 3 times. I dont know what is wrong with me, but i wish it would stop. I need to go to class. i have sept through dinner once or twice as well. And i deffinatley cant keep missing those.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Well for a fourth night in a row, i had the same dream. Is that normal? Does that mean that i am not normal? The dream again was the same. But again there only differance was the women, though this time it was the same one as the night before..I just dont get it. What are they telling me, what are they saying?

Well i slept through class again tonight. So i will definatley have to go tommorow. I feel kind of odd going to class lately. I am there, and help all of the other students now, and there is a little bit of stuff through out the classes that i still get to do, but the classes are not for me anymore. I feel like i am not there for me anymore. I know that a big part of a black belt, is to become a better teacher. But i miss going to classes just for me to learn.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

What do our dreams tell us? Do they tell us what is about to happen? Do they tell us what we emotionally are looking for? Do they tell us what we really want? Or are they just a way for our minds to stay active during those long hours of physical inactivity?
For three nights in a row now, I have had the same dream.
I am walking through what I know to be my house. I see all of the pictures on the wall of my wife, and my self. I am slowly making my way through this beautiful, and perfect house to the kitchen, where there is a large bay window.
I look out over a large farm style yard, big pond, nice grass, and large trees. There are two large dogs playing outside the windows. They see me and stop; they give me a look that tells me that everything in my life is right. Is I slowly get lost in the picture that is unfolding outside of the window, I hear a soft swish of clothes behind me. Then there is a light and tender touch on my back. I look over my shoulder at my wife. She is there in a beautiful white silk nightgown, that is full length, as she moves it is as if she were an angel. I place my hand on her hip and pull her towards me for a tender embrace. I hold her close and give her a soft, loving kiss on the lips. We look lovingly into each others eyes. I again get the sensation that everything in my life is right. Our loving gazes slowly lower to what she is holding in her arms. In her arms is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. In that instant that I look into the baby’s eyes, I know that it is my daughter. I reach down ad softly kiss her on the forehead. I pull them both close again, as my wife and I gaze happily out the window.
In the three day that I have had this dream, only one part has changed, the part of my wife.

When I was twelve, I had a very vivid dream that to this day I still remember. From that dream I wrote a poem, that I have posted on her. It was a bout the woman in white, whose face I never see, but I know that I am destined to be with her.

When I first awoke from my night of this new dream, with thoughts of this much older dream. The wife in this new dream was that woman. I thought for a long time about that. After 14 years her she was again in my dream, sent to torment me again. I don’t think a day has gone by in my life since the dream of that twelve-year-old boy that I have not thought about the woman in that dream. For a long time I thought that maybe I was just not supposed to know her yet. Then for a long time, I thought that maybe she was just too beautiful to be shown to me in a dream, and I would have to wait to meet here in real life. Then it occurred to me that it was an omen of my life to come. I was always to know, that there was a woman out there, that I was destined to be with, but that I would never see, or meet. I have still thought about all of this through the troubles I have been having in my recent relationship. I still think that it is an omen, but not that ill of one, as I have previously thought. I began to wonder maybe this dream has been telling me that if I give up on that which I have, I will never meet that one. That maybe the one I am with now is the right one, and I need to make it work, or I am just damning my self to and endless life pf relationships that will always fall apart. Then I went to sleep the next night.
Again I had the same dream, everything exactly the same, except for this time when I looked in to the eyes of my wife; there was a face along with those eyes. I awoke from this dream in a cold sweat. For the first time in fourteen years that woman had a face. I was surprised at how hard this hit me. I have had this picture in my mind for so long, then to all of a sudden have it changed, it was an odd feeling. I think one of the things that got me the most was the fact that my wife in my dream is not my fiancée that I am with in real life. I spent a lot of time yesterday, thinking about this dream, about the woman i am with, and the woman that who was in my dream. I was very distracted all day yesterday as I was cleaning, and working at the dojang. Then I went to bed again last night.
Again I have the same dream, everything is exactly the same, again, except for the woman who is my wife. This time it is neither the women from my childhood dream, nor the women that was in my dream of the previous night. And again it was not my fiancée form real life. And again I awoke in a cold sweat. The two women that were in these dreams are beautiful and wonderful women, and I know who they both are. But neither of them are Karen. I don’t understand these dreams. What are they trying to tell me?

I wonder what tonight’s slumber will bring?

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