random thaughts

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Have you ever been so maad at someone, that you could care less one way or the other if you ever talked to that person again. WEll to day i reached that point with someone. My blood boils just thinking about it...... Why do i let my self go through this sort of crap. Why cant i just get on with my life, and do what i want to do. Screw everyone else, this is my life, it should be about what i want.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Do I need to, or should I have to put my life on hold for someone else? Is it right of someone to ask that of me? I have been thinking a lot about things, and that is what I am starting to ponder. Should I put my life on hold for this relationship? And I honestly am starting to think no. It has even gotten to the point were I am losing weeks of training because of it. I am expected to be home every night to talk to her on the phone, and to go through her boxes of stuff. WHY? Why am I putting my life on hold for this. Why cant I live my life and do what I want?
I am still having those dreams, and they are still bothering me. The Anishinabe people believe that if you have a dream more than once it is an omen of great importance. The circle of life is connected through the dream world, so the dream world gives us incite into some thing that we are missing in our waking state. Other societies believe that dreams are a view of our self in the many other dimensions and realities. So when we dream, we are seeing what is happening in our lives in other realities. And when we dream the same dream multiple times we are getting a message that we have reached a culminating point in all of the realities. A point at which there is a great divide, but at which all realities are the same. From that point spawn new realities.
I wonder what these cultures would say about the same dream happening 23 times in a month long period?
Maybe I am just not right in the head. I know that deep down inside want to get married. I really, really do. I think my dreams are reinforcing this feeling, though they are telling me that some thing is not right. I have these dreams still with only one change, other than the length, that being the person in the dream that I am married to. It changes between three people. I wonder. Am I trying to tell my self that I am with the wrong person and one of these three is the right one. Am I trying to tell myself that I just need to look around, and find the right person? Am I trying to tell myself that I want parts of each of these women in the person I marry? Am I trying to tell myself that I would rather be with one of these three women than with the one I am now with? I don't know.....
I fell like I am starting to get slightly obsessed with this whole dream thing. Its just very weird.
I have also started to realize that I am very happy here in Austin, and that the unhappiness has been a part of my relationship. Mostly form the fact that it has such strong ties, but no substance. For the past year and a half, I have been with a women in a relationship that I never see, never touch, never smell, there is nothing physical. The lack of the physical contact is a great point of unhappiness, I am starting to realize. I wonder how do I fix that? I love her very much, but am I in love with her. They say you always remember your first love. I think of mine and Karen in the same way, and often within mere thoughts of each other. As if both relationships are over and I am remebering the good times. I wonder is Karen the one I want now to fill this void of physical contact or am I in need of looking for a new person. I wonder about what will happen if we can not get through our problems, what is it going to be like. I think about life with out her, and sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, but other times it does bother me. But I am starting to notice that I am ok with it more often than I am not ok with it.

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