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random thaughts

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Well, after my wonderful evening and day i came home and attempted to sleep, and it just wouldant work. So i got up, and went to the dojang, and trained for 2 hours, and meditated for 30 min. I realized that after my 2 months of missing so much training, i really had not forgotten that much. I fell pretty good about most of my stuff.
While meditating, many things came to me. I try to get and empty mind, and meditate on nothing, but when you have things to work on, meditation helps to clear away all of the other stuff. I came to the conclusion that i really just need to take time away from women in general, not just the one whith whom i am in a relationship, and not just the ones i am attracted to, but all of them. I need to just take a week, and train, and meditate, and not worry about the non male half of the human race. So i am going to try that, wwe will se how things work out.
I think life is just falling apart, and I don't think I can really handle it. I am always stressed out about something, I think because of that I am always sick, I don't make enough money to pay all of my bills. I have 2 and a half months of work left, then I am again jobless for 3 months. I don't have a second job. I am in a relastionship that is killing me, but I cant seem to get out of it. I have come to the conclusion that in my life, every person I have ever had a crush on were people that I never had a chance with. The one person I am with is someone I never had a crush on. We ended up together in a freak accident, and have never left each other, for I don't know what reason. We don't communicate, we don't get a long all that well, it is mostly a bunch of crap. And all of it together makes me miserable.
I help at the color belt, and black belt test today. Lots of people are happy, everyone is happy for the people that passed, but I am absolutely miserable. I went out with them, and I just couldn't get away fast enough. I see all of these happy people, and I see all of my friends that are parts of happy couples, and I hate them. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy. All of the people who tested to day had there family's there, and friends there, to congratulate them after the test, and I got nothing. It sucks. I just feel like shit. I cant stand being around people anymore, it just depresses me.
I wish things would change so much, it hurts. I want to be the happy one, and I fell as if it is never going to happen.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

WHY?
When i know it is her calling can i not answer the phone?
well i went to dinner last night with master and most of the rest of the black belt club. We had a very nice dinner that was totaly free to us. Masterasked us all to tell some important thing in our life that has happened recently, or is coming up soon, before we all ate dinner. I started to think all of these people have something great to say, what about me? "oh ya, i am about to break up with my fiance of 5 and a half years!!" I have had nothing great happen to me lately, and i see nothing great cvoming on the horizon. I have several friends getting married soon, and it depresses me a bit to think that i have been engaged for 5 and a half years, bu t i am not getting married. It is ok though, i dont want to marry her, just because it would be fun, or that i have always wanted to be married. I no longer have the same feelings about our relationship that i did a year ago, even 6 months ago. Then i was so ready to be married to her. I had looked into places, rings, licenses, and everything. Now i know, i was so off in doing that. I know i love her, and i always will, but i dont "love" her any more. I try and find all of those feelings that i should have for the women i am upposed to marry and for our relationship. And i find they just arnt there anymore. I continually ask my self why do i love her?. I find no answers. I ask my self why am i still in thisa relationship? The answers i come up with are just stupid. I ask my self what feelings should there be in a good relationship? Love, trust, comunication, sexual attraction, mutual goals, the want to experiance things together. I find that i have very few of these things any longer. It all just leades to the fact that it is time to get on with life, and end it. I cant keep lieing to her. I have been hoping that someof these feeling will change, and that i will start to fewel the way i used to. But it hasnt happened, and i dont think it will. So i have to just do it and get it out of the way, she needs to have the chance to start to cope, and move on. I need to start to move on. Yes it will be very difficult and odd, hliving here in this appartment with all of her stuff, and very little of my own. But i will live, and we will both get on with our lives, i just hope that after it is all said and done, she will still be my friend, i cant imagine not knowing her. I really do want to still be friends, but we dont work anymore as a couple.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

So many things running through my head. How do i even try and sort them out?
How do we know when we are falling in love, or out of love? What is the differance between a crush and love? Why do I always get a crush on the girls i cant have?
Why dont we see then end of things coming, untill it is to late? WHat is it that makes us attracted to people, when we first meet them? What makes us stay togethere after we have met?

I hahave finally realized what i have to do, but how do i go about it? I cant let it keep dragging on, but i dont know the best way to go about it. Do i just come righjt out and say it. or do i try and pad it a bit, or do i wait until we get in a fight, and do then, so she is alreqady in a bad mood? I just dont know, but that is wht i am working on now. It will happen very soon though.

I have already had several friends offer to introduce me to people! Which most people might find strange from my point, but it really seems to me like this relationship has been over for a long time. So that getting over it time is already passed for me. IS it wrong of me to think m,eeting someone new is a good idea? I dont know. But i know i cant do anything as long as i have not done what i need to do.

I have had to cancel my tukong class, so i will nolonger be teaching anything. I am going to talk to master about it thiis week, and maybe he will just tell me to come and start helping with the kids classes again. But it will be odd not having my classes any more.

Why do we have to have girls/ women in our lives to make us happy? Why cant i just sit in a corner and not think about them? And believe me i have tried. Why is it that they are always so much on my mind. Not in a sexual way even, just girls, specific ones, and dreams of them, and thoughts about what life would be like with them, or with out them. I would give almost anything to go through just one day and not think about any of them. That would be so nice. I think that will be my birthday wish this year. ONe day with no thoughts of the confusing other sex................

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