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random thaughts

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Just a short note today to appease my own thoughts on what I wrote yesterday. After having read my post from yesterday, it sounded to me like I was really mean to Jamie. It sounded to me like I thought she only showed up to my birthday dinner, because she felt guilted into it. This how ever is not what I had ment to write. I start to write, and sometimes get of track. To make a long story short I had intended for it to state that I did not want her to feel pressured or guilted into hanging out. I love her to death, and she is one of my best friends, and I understand what she is going through right now, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. IF that means not spending time with her a lot then that is what has to happen. Just so you know lady I'm always here for you.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Well where to begin? I have been slaking on this thing for a long time now, but sometimes you just don't want to deal with people in any way. Well lets start with my birthday. Ya I just had one, and it was the most lonely day I have had in a long time. And I was with people all day long. I went to work, and had the kids yelling at me all day long, then I went to the dojang and trained. Master had the students sing happy birthday to me. But that was about it, 2 other students were moving the next day, so lots of focus on them. Went to dinner with victor. Told another friend we were going to dinner as well, and she came. Now I don't want to sound mean or anything but I'm in a cranky mood. She came. Because she is in a new relationship, we never see her anymore, so it almost is like she felt guilted into coming. I love her to death. And I'm glad she came but like I said I was lonely and cranky about it, so as usual she had to leave and go home and work. That's ok though. She brought a friend with her, who I am sure just came because Jamie asked her. And she invited friends as well. And one other friend came as well but I think she seamed very distracted. And before we left the dojang for dinner I invited one of the students that was at the school, cause I thought it would be nice to invite her. So it was just dinner really, nothing special, other than the fact that I didn't pay. So all in all it was not much of a special day. And I don't really care, so its ok.
I realized today that I don't have much contact with my friends anymore. 2 good female friends bother of which I hardly ever see anymore, and don't really talk much . But we used to do lots of good stuff. Starbucks, tea, reading, talking. Their house, movies, talking, fun... But they are too busy now. How easily and fast our lives change. I really do miss them, but must except that there are new and much more important things in there life. So I get the back burner, and I guess I'm ok with it. I used to hang out with a group of guys, no more, I lost the truck, and now they could be in Africa, for how easy it is for me to get to them. They live far away. So I don't do anything with them anymore. Again cut off from friends, and not sure how I really feel about any of it. I am just starting to feel cut off. I used to hang out with the tukong people all of the time, but I just don't want to do things in groups anymore. And now I am having some personal training issues and find it hard to have fun in training like I used to. I am also finding it hard to train, not just because of that, but all the stress I have been dealing with for so long has physically messed me up. I'm always tired, always sick. Plus I have to walk now, and some afternoons I am just to tired to make the walk. How odd it is to look at life one day and realize that you are losing contact with everyone.

You close your eyes and it all disappears,
Fear, desperation, thoughts and anxieties of the past.
Erased and replaced.
ecstasy, dreams and hopes of the future.
wishes fulfilled
You open your eyes.
Pain, suffering, depression
It hits like a typhoon
You close your eyes
love, joy, happiness
Which is right?
Eyes open?
Eyes Closed?
Reality ripples into dream and back again
Dream becomes reality, reality becomes dream
how do we know which is the truth?
is it by our own decision?
will we ever know?





in,
out,
in,
out,
crickets chirp,
rain falls,
breezes blow,
time
slows,
breath
slows,
silence,
balance,
emptiness,
voices,
understanding,
communication,
silence
all returns
to normal
in,
out,
in,
out,




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