Mental mumblings

2004-06-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

well things are really changing in my life, and i really think they are for the better. I am really happy, and people even notice how happy i am, which is a wonderful thing. I have started to make the decisions in my life that are what i want, not what she wants. Its is a great feeling.

2004-05-31T10:33:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to just get up the nerve to tell her exactly how I feel, and exactly what I want. It is not like we are in a new relationship, and I am afraid that I will mess things up! I have already done all the messing up I can do, this is just to make it all final, and to stop the mistakes. I just cant do it, it suck!!!! I feel so useless when I think about how long this has been going on, and it just needs to stop!!

Falling

When I look at her, and our eyes meet
I get lost, overwhelmed and am forced to look away
When she looks at me I am drawn into her eyes
She envelopes me, and knows everything that I am feeling
She sees all the feelings I already have for her, and the ones that are now being created
See can see my dreams
that's why I look away, so she doesn't see them
Fear of what she would say or think if she knew
I know no matter what thoughts or feelings I have for her
I am not what she needs, or wants
So I look away, and the feelings go untold
I just continue with life as it is
Still
I have hope!

2004-05-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

I had a talk with a friend at work this week about something that happened to him, and as we talked I had a lot of different mental pictures, and thoughts go through my mind, so I decided to put them all together. This one is still a work in progress, but I kinda like it!

UNtitled

Breathing
Energy
Flows
In
Out
Expands
Hearts beat faster
Lips meet
Breathing accelerates
Strange new tastes
Tongues search
Bodies move
Scents mingle
Hearts race
Sweat runs free
Thoughts run rampant
Bodies entwine
Thoughts disappear
Muscles ache
Actions remembered
Emotions flood
Bodies become one
Hearts yearn
Lives are changed
Actions forgotten
Secrets kept

Guilt?

2004-05-14T22:47:00.000-07:00

I have decided that life is just going to hell. not sure where im going with anything anymore, but i do know that i have to go to a friends wedding tomorrow, and it depresses me a lot.

2004-04-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty down lately. Really kind of depressed. I look around and i see all of my friends who are in relationships, and they are there with the person they love. Everything seems to be working for them, even if they argue, they are right there to make up. It has been so long since i have had any physical contact with Karen, i dont remember what it is like, but i see everyone else, and i want to do that too. I know that deep down inside i love karen, but are we still the same people that were were, in this relationship almost 2 years ago, when she left? NO, we are not. Will we still be able to stay together, and makethings work, i dont know. Do i want to go there, and leave everything behind. Do i want to stay and just make a final end to the relationship. Do i want something more form someone else? I know not what to do, but i think i better figure it out pretty damn soon!

2004-04-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

well lets see, im engaged to somewone who i am not totaly sure about at the moment, but i also find that i am very attracted to 2 othere people, and have some strong feelings for them. How am i supposed to make up my mind, about what i am supposed to do with my life. i really think i just need to get away from them all, and everything. I need to go camping. Just get away from alll of this stuff. I again am getting to the point that i really dont know what to do about it, so i think that i might just have to start meditating more than i already do, and try and figure things out

2004-04-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

Just a short note today to appease my own thoughts on what I wrote yesterday. After having read my post from yesterday, it sounded to me like I was really mean to Jamie. It sounded to me like I thought she only showed up to my birthday dinner, because she felt guilted into it. This how ever is not what I had ment to write. I start to write, and sometimes get of track. To make a long story short I had intended for it to state that I did not want her to feel pressured or guilted into hanging out. I love her to death, and she is one of my best friends, and I understand what she is going through right now, and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. IF that means not spending time with her a lot then that is what has to happen. Just so you know lady I'm always here for you.

2004-04-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well where to begin? I have been slaking on this thing for a long time now, but sometimes you just don't want to deal with people in any way. Well lets start with my birthday. Ya I just had one, and it was the most lonely day I have had in a long time. And I was with people all day long. I went to work, and had the kids yelling at me all day long, then I went to the dojang and trained. Master had the students sing happy birthday to me. But that was about it, 2 other students were moving the next day, so lots of focus on them. Went to dinner with victor. Told another friend we were going to dinner as well, and she came. Now I don't want to sound mean or anything but I'm in a cranky mood. She came. Because she is in a new relationship, we never see her anymore, so it almost is like she felt guilted into coming. I love her to death. And I'm glad she came but like I said I was lonely and cranky about it, so as usual she had to leave and go home and work. That's ok though. She brought a friend with her, who I am sure just came because Jamie asked her. And she invited friends as well. And one other friend came as well but I think she seamed very distracted. And before we left the dojang for dinner I invited one of the students that was at the school, cause I thought it would be nice to invite her. So it was just dinner really, nothing special, other than the fact that I didn't pay. So all in all it was not much of a special day. And I don't really care, so its ok.
I realized today that I don't have much contact with my friends anymore. 2 good female friends bother of which I hardly ever see anymore, and don't really talk much . But we used to do lots of good stuff. Starbucks, tea, reading, talking. Their house, movies, talking, fun... But they are too busy now. How easily and fast our lives change. I really do miss them, but must except that there are new and much more important things in there life. So I get the back burner, and I guess I'm ok with it. I used to hang out with a group of guys, no more, I lost the truck, and now they could be in Africa, for how easy it is for me to get to them. They live far away. So I don't do anything with them anymore. Again cut off from friends, and not sure how I really feel about any of it. I am just starting to feel cut off. I used to hang out with the tukong people all of the time, but I just don't want to do things in groups anymore. And now I am having some personal training issues and find it hard to have fun in training like I used to. I am also finding it hard to train, not just because of that, but all the stress I have been dealing with for so long has physically messed me up. I'm always tired, always sick. Plus I have to walk now, and some afternoons I am just to tired to make the walk. How odd it is to look at life one day and realize that you are losing contact with everyone.

You close your eyes and it all disappears,
Fear, desperation, thoughts and anxieties of the past.
Erased and replaced.
ecstasy, dreams and hopes of the future.
wishes fulfilled
You open your eyes.
Pain, suffering, depression
It hits like a typhoon
You close your eyes
love, joy, happiness
Which is right?
Eyes open?
Eyes Closed?
Reality ripples into dream and back again
Dream becomes reality, reality becomes dream
how do we know which is the truth?
is it by our own decision?
will we ever know?

in,
out,
in,
out,
crickets chirp,
rain falls,
breezes blow,
time
slows,
breath
slows,
silence,
balance,
emptiness,
voices,
understanding,
communication,
silence
all returns
to normal
in,
out,
in,
out,

2004-04-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

How can someone want two totally different things at once. How can I one want out of a relationship so badly. But want it to workout, so deeply, so desperately?

2004-03-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

I sit here, and i wonder where my real life whent? Did someone come by in the middle of the night, and steal it, and leafe a crapy one in its place? I want to know where it went, and why i cant have it back. Because this one is really bugging the hell out of me.

How do i tell her now, "hey there i have almost killed your favorite pet, and i dont want to be with you anymore"! ?
I realy just dont know what to do wqith my life any more, what do i want, where am i going? I think i really need a change?

2004-03-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

I have finally had enough! I have delt with all of the little things for so long, in tukong, but I cant take it any more. At each level we are to know specific things. Great, we learn them. I know them, he knows them, she knows them, we all learn them. What I know is not what he knows, what he knows is different than what she knows. And it totally pisses me off. We are told to listen to what the highest person has taught us, but what seems to happen all the time is that it is taught by them one way, then to another person a little different. And if a higher belt is working with you they are always right. It is just such a load of crap. I don't want to deal with it any more. I have no want to go back. In the 3 years that I have trained there has never been a time that I felt like I wanted to quit, even after failing a test because I had not been taught a form, that they wanted to see. But after tonight, I really don't care if I go back.

2004-03-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

Well, after my wonderful evening and day i came home and attempted to sleep, and it just wouldant work. So i got up, and went to the dojang, and trained for 2 hours, and meditated for 30 min. I realized that after my 2 months of missing so much training, i really had not forgotten that much. I fell pretty good about most of my stuff.
While meditating, many things came to me. I try to get and empty mind, and meditate on nothing, but when you have things to work on, meditation helps to clear away all of the other stuff. I came to the conclusion that i really just need to take time away from women in general, not just the one whith whom i am in a relationship, and not just the ones i am attracted to, but all of them. I need to just take a week, and train, and meditate, and not worry about the non male half of the human race. So i am going to try that, wwe will se how things work out.

2004-03-20T20:13:00.000-08:00

I think life is just falling apart, and I don't think I can really handle it. I am always stressed out about something, I think because of that I am always sick, I don't make enough money to pay all of my bills. I have 2 and a half months of work left, then I am again jobless for 3 months. I don't have a second job. I am in a relastionship that is killing me, but I cant seem to get out of it. I have come to the conclusion that in my life, every person I have ever had a crush on were people that I never had a chance with. The one person I am with is someone I never had a crush on. We ended up together in a freak accident, and have never left each other, for I don't know what reason. We don't communicate, we don't get a long all that well, it is mostly a bunch of crap. And all of it together makes me miserable.
I help at the color belt, and black belt test today. Lots of people are happy, everyone is happy for the people that passed, but I am absolutely miserable. I went out with them, and I just couldn't get away fast enough. I see all of these happy people, and I see all of my friends that are parts of happy couples, and I hate them. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy. All of the people who tested to day had there family's there, and friends there, to congratulate them after the test, and I got nothing. It sucks. I just feel like shit. I cant stand being around people anymore, it just depresses me.
I wish things would change so much, it hurts. I want to be the happy one, and I fell as if it is never going to happen.

2004-03-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

WHY?
When i know it is her calling can i not answer the phone?

2004-03-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

well i went to dinner last night with master and most of the rest of the black belt club. We had a very nice dinner that was totaly free to us. Masterasked us all to tell some important thing in our life that has happened recently, or is coming up soon, before we all ate dinner. I started to think all of these people have something great to say, what about me? "oh ya, i am about to break up with my fiance of 5 and a half years!!" I have had nothing great happen to me lately, and i see nothing great cvoming on the horizon. I have several friends getting married soon, and it depresses me a bit to think that i have been engaged for 5 and a half years, bu t i am not getting married. It is ok though, i dont want to marry her, just because it would be fun, or that i have always wanted to be married. I no longer have the same feelings about our relationship that i did a year ago, even 6 months ago. Then i was so ready to be married to her. I had looked into places, rings, licenses, and everything. Now i know, i was so off in doing that. I know i love her, and i always will, but i dont "love" her any more. I try and find all of those feelings that i should have for the women i am upposed to marry and for our relationship. And i find they just arnt there anymore. I continually ask my self why do i love her?. I find no answers. I ask my self why am i still in thisa relationship? The answers i come up with are just stupid. I ask my self what feelings should there be in a good relationship? Love, trust, comunication, sexual attraction, mutual goals, the want to experiance things together. I find that i have very few of these things any longer. It all just leades to the fact that it is time to get on with life, and end it. I cant keep lieing to her. I have been hoping that someof these feeling will change, and that i will start to fewel the way i used to. But it hasnt happened, and i dont think it will. So i have to just do it and get it out of the way, she needs to have the chance to start to cope, and move on. I need to start to move on. Yes it will be very difficult and odd, hliving here in this appartment with all of her stuff, and very little of my own. But i will live, and we will both get on with our lives, i just hope that after it is all said and done, she will still be my friend, i cant imagine not knowing her. I really do want to still be friends, but we dont work anymore as a couple.

2004-03-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

So many things running through my head. How do i even try and sort them out?
How do we know when we are falling in love, or out of love? What is the differance between a crush and love? Why do I always get a crush on the girls i cant have?
Why dont we see then end of things coming, untill it is to late? WHat is it that makes us attracted to people, when we first meet them? What makes us stay togethere after we have met?

I hahave finally realized what i have to do, but how do i go about it? I cant let it keep dragging on, but i dont know the best way to go about it. Do i just come righjt out and say it. or do i try and pad it a bit, or do i wait until we get in a fight, and do then, so she is alreqady in a bad mood? I just dont know, but that is wht i am working on now. It will happen very soon though.

I have already had several friends offer to introduce me to people! Which most people might find strange from my point, but it really seems to me like this relationship has been over for a long time. So that getting over it time is already passed for me. IS it wrong of me to think m,eeting someone new is a good idea? I dont know. But i know i cant do anything as long as i have not done what i need to do.

I have had to cancel my tukong class, so i will nolonger be teaching anything. I am going to talk to master about it thiis week, and maybe he will just tell me to come and start helping with the kids classes again. But it will be odd not having my classes any more.

Why do we have to have girls/ women in our lives to make us happy? Why cant i just sit in a corner and not think about them? And believe me i have tried. Why is it that they are always so much on my mind. Not in a sexual way even, just girls, specific ones, and dreams of them, and thoughts about what life would be like with them, or with out them. I would give almost anything to go through just one day and not think about any of them. That would be so nice. I think that will be my birthday wish this year. ONe day with no thoughts of the confusing other sex................

2004-03-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

i lay in bed and sleep, i go to work, i come home i lay in bed and sleep. I have cut myself off forom most things i do or know. I have no energy, or want to do anything anymore. I have no excitment. I am always tired, and unhappy. I just dont want to deal with anyone. I screen phone calls so i dont have to talk to her till i want to. I have shut my self off i tink. I am feeling that there is just nothen left iwant to do. I dont want to go to work, i dont want to be sick, i dont want to train.
A friend asked me the otherday why i love my fiance? I dont know!
There should be a reason, but i cant find one.
i used to love going out and doing things with people, big groups, social settings, but now i dont.what has happend to the old me that i liked? Where did he go?

2004-02-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so maad at someone, that you could care less one way or the other if you ever talked to that person again. WEll to day i reached that point with someone. My blood boils just thinking about it...... Why do i let my self go through this sort of crap. Why cant i just get on with my life, and do what i want to do. Screw everyone else, this is my life, it should be about what i want.

2004-02-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

Do I need to, or should I have to put my life on hold for someone else? Is it right of someone to ask that of me? I have been thinking a lot about things, and that is what I am starting to ponder. Should I put my life on hold for this relationship? And I honestly am starting to think no. It has even gotten to the point were I am losing weeks of training because of it. I am expected to be home every night to talk to her on the phone, and to go through her boxes of stuff. WHY? Why am I putting my life on hold for this. Why cant I live my life and do what I want?
I am still having those dreams, and they are still bothering me. The Anishinabe people believe that if you have a dream more than once it is an omen of great importance. The circle of life is connected through the dream world, so the dream world gives us incite into some thing that we are missing in our waking state. Other societies believe that dreams are a view of our self in the many other dimensions and realities. So when we dream, we are seeing what is happening in our lives in other realities. And when we dream the same dream multiple times we are getting a message that we have reached a culminating point in all of the realities. A point at which there is a great divide, but at which all realities are the same. From that point spawn new realities.
I wonder what these cultures would say about the same dream happening 23 times in a month long period?
Maybe I am just not right in the head. I know that deep down inside want to get married. I really, really do. I think my dreams are reinforcing this feeling, though they are telling me that some thing is not right. I have these dreams still with only one change, other than the length, that being the person in the dream that I am married to. It changes between three people. I wonder. Am I trying to tell my self that I am with the wrong person and one of these three is the right one. Am I trying to tell myself that I just need to look around, and find the right person? Am I trying to tell myself that I want parts of each of these women in the person I marry? Am I trying to tell myself that I would rather be with one of these three women than with the one I am now with? I don't know.....
I fell like I am starting to get slightly obsessed with this whole dream thing. Its just very weird.
I have also started to realize that I am very happy here in Austin, and that the unhappiness has been a part of my relationship. Mostly form the fact that it has such strong ties, but no substance. For the past year and a half, I have been with a women in a relationship that I never see, never touch, never smell, there is nothing physical. The lack of the physical contact is a great point of unhappiness, I am starting to realize. I wonder how do I fix that? I love her very much, but am I in love with her. They say you always remember your first love. I think of mine and Karen in the same way, and often within mere thoughts of each other. As if both relationships are over and I am remebering the good times. I wonder is Karen the one I want now to fill this void of physical contact or am I in need of looking for a new person. I wonder about what will happen if we can not get through our problems, what is it going to be like. I think about life with out her, and sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, but other times it does bother me. But I am starting to notice that I am ok with it more often than I am not ok with it.

2004-02-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

Spring Meditations by the Water

Silence
A warm breeze,
The wind sings a song.
A stream trickles,
The water tells a story.
A robin chirps,
A bird shares its wisdom.
An acorn falls,
A tree lengthens its history.
A branch falls,
The earth accepts nourishment.
The sun shines,
The ice melts.
My heart beats,
Energies flow.
The squirrels chatter,
Life renews.
Silence

2004-02-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was in third or fourth grade we had two dogs. On was a small dachshund, named Ginger. She was one of my favorite friends. We had been together since I was in diapers. We used to play all of the time.
One day I woke up for school, and came into the kitchen where Gingers box was kept. There was a blanket over the box. I could see that there was something in the box still. So I asked my mom if Ginger was cold. And after many minutes of talking and a lot of crying, I finally understood that she was gone. I remember looking at my mother and father, neither of which where crying. I still had to go to school that day. It affected me so much that day that mom had to come and get me from school. I was crying and shaking so much; I could not hold my pencil. So I came home and watched mom and dad burry Ginger in the back yard. Still when I looked at them they did not cry. I thought at that moment that I hoped I would be an adult when my next pet died. When I am in the area I still go by the house where she is buried, and say hi, and I still cry. But at that time I knew that if I were an adult I would not cry.

On my way home from the emergency animal clinic, I had to stop I 3 different parking lots, until the crying stopped. I realize now how wrong I was then, and how hard it hits you as an adult when you lose a pet. I have five, or had, and I love every one of them. I know that when the others die it will be just as hard.

I spent the evening at the emergency clinic, waiting for the vet to come tell me that Deedlit was ok, and that she was going to make it through the surgery just fine. I sat there for a long time just hoping. Finally one of the techs came out, and said that Deedlit had done well, and that they were able to remove the adrenal tumor that she had, but that she had some liver damage. All we had to do now was to wait for the vet to close her up, and for her to wake up.

15 minutes pass.

The vet comes out of the back "she didn’t make it". Her liver had shut down and she was so weak, that she couldn’t come out of it. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t think of what to do, what to say. May only answer was "it happens I guess". They made two very nice little prints of her front paws for us. And they rapped her up in a nice pillowcase for m, and put her in a box for me. Then they gave me a credit off of the overall payment, because we no longer needed the extra meds.

When I got home, I called Karen to tell her our little girl did not make it. We said nothing, just cried for at least 10 minutes. I have not felt closer to Karen in a long time. I just wished that she were here with me to hold and pet Deedlit one last time. I wanted her to be here, so I don’t have to dig the hole by my self. I wanted her here so I do not have to put Deedlit in the hole by my self. I wanted her here to hold me. I wanted her here so I could tell her how much I love her, and how much I miss her.

Did this have to happen for me to realize how much Karen still means to me, and how I still love her, how much I still want to be wit her?

2004-02-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

well since i dont know what to do with life, i have decided not to think about it for a few days, and see how i feel. It used to be that i didnt worry about anything. But now i am always worried about something. And i sit and think about it, life is not that bad. So i have a fucked up relationship. easy to fix if i could make up myu mind. im over weight. Eascy to fix. I have poor confidance in my martial arts skills. Easy to fix. I have a place to live, i have at least two friends who care. I have a job at the moment. If i could just get off of my ass, and make up my mind, things would be fine again.

2004-02-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

Why is it that everyone knows what i should do but me? I alked to a friend from college today, i havent taked to her in 3 years, but with in five minutes, she told me that i should cut things off, and be selfish, and do what will make me happy. She told me that i didnt even soud (through my instant messages) like the person she new in college. I was a very happy person, always in a good mood. But she said u was just so down.

Am i really that open to people? CAn people read me that easily?

ANd what are the damned dreams telling me? Agin a future view of life, with the woman who i know in the dream to be my wife. And a view of what our life is like. Damn it why cant they just stop. They are starting to really get to me. I used to look forward to actually being asleep, not going to sleep, but being asleep. IT was the one place where i could have good, happy feelings, and not have them effect my life at all. I never remember my dreams, so why are these ones so vivid. What is my mind telling me by the choises of women it has picked for these different dreams. Now when i sleep, i have these dreams, and i remember every part of them. I end up spnding a lot of time thinking about them.
I really like what they have shown me, i almost wish that they were atually posable. I could almost see my self spending the rest of my life with the women in my dreams, i dont think i would mind it a bit. Though i know in real life, very few people are attracted to me. I really wold love any of them to come tru, though i know that is imposable. I have excepted the fact that i am not avery attractive person, and i am over waight. That is ok. One thing that i am getting from these dreams, is the wish to know that there were people out there that are beautiful and are attracted to me. But other than that i just dont get them. These thhings are starting to drive me crazy.
When Karen and i started dating just over 6 years ago, i used to have dreams about our wedding all of the time. i always hoped for dreams like that. but i have not had one of those dreams in a long, long time. I have had other dreams in the last year about being married, and karen is never in them. Though she was in one i had a long time ago. She was the f brides maid. I was slightly amused at the time. Why all of these other women and not her? I know most people dont think dreams mean anything, but i have always though that some of them did. And when you get the same one over and over again, Someone is trying to tell you something.

I know that there are very few people that actually read this thing, but to those of you that do, please let me know what you think dreams can tell us, and give me some feed back on mine.

2004-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

I cant stay awake. Lately, every time i sit down, i fall asleep. I have sleeped through tukong now atleast 3 times. I dont know what is wrong with me, but i wish it would stop. I need to go to class. i have sept through dinner once or twice as well. And i deffinatley cant keep missing those.

2004-02-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

Well for a fourth night in a row, i had the same dream. Is that normal? Does that mean that i am not normal? The dream again was the same. But again there only differance was the women, though this time it was the same one as the night before..I just dont get it. What are they telling me, what are they saying?

Well i slept through class again tonight. So i will definatley have to go tommorow. I feel kind of odd going to class lately. I am there, and help all of the other students now, and there is a little bit of stuff through out the classes that i still get to do, but the classes are not for me anymore. I feel like i am not there for me anymore. I know that a big part of a black belt, is to become a better teacher. But i miss going to classes just for me to learn.

2004-02-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

What do our dreams tell us? Do they tell us what is about to happen? Do they tell us what we emotionally are looking for? Do they tell us what we really want? Or are they just a way for our minds to stay active during those long hours of physical inactivity?
For three nights in a row now, I have had the same dream.
I am walking through what I know to be my house. I see all of the pictures on the wall of my wife, and my self. I am slowly making my way through this beautiful, and perfect house to the kitchen, where there is a large bay window.
I look out over a large farm style yard, big pond, nice grass, and large trees. There are two large dogs playing outside the windows. They see me and stop; they give me a look that tells me that everything in my life is right. Is I slowly get lost in the picture that is unfolding outside of the window, I hear a soft swish of clothes behind me. Then there is a light and tender touch on my back. I look over my shoulder at my wife. She is there in a beautiful white silk nightgown, that is full length, as she moves it is as if she were an angel. I place my hand on her hip and pull her towards me for a tender embrace. I hold her close and give her a soft, loving kiss on the lips. We look lovingly into each others eyes. I again get the sensation that everything in my life is right. Our loving gazes slowly lower to what she is holding in her arms. In her arms is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. In that instant that I look into the baby’s eyes, I know that it is my daughter. I reach down ad softly kiss her on the forehead. I pull them both close again, as my wife and I gaze happily out the window.
In the three day that I have had this dream, only one part has changed, the part of my wife.

When I was twelve, I had a very vivid dream that to this day I still remember. From that dream I wrote a poem, that I have posted on her. It was a bout the woman in white, whose face I never see, but I know that I am destined to be with her.

When I first awoke from my night of this new dream, with thoughts of this much older dream. The wife in this new dream was that woman. I thought for a long time about that. After 14 years her she was again in my dream, sent to torment me again. I don’t think a day has gone by in my life since the dream of that twelve-year-old boy that I have not thought about the woman in that dream. For a long time I thought that maybe I was just not supposed to know her yet. Then for a long time, I thought that maybe she was just too beautiful to be shown to me in a dream, and I would have to wait to meet here in real life. Then it occurred to me that it was an omen of my life to come. I was always to know, that there was a woman out there, that I was destined to be with, but that I would never see, or meet. I have still thought about all of this through the troubles I have been having in my recent relationship. I still think that it is an omen, but not that ill of one, as I have previously thought. I began to wonder maybe this dream has been telling me that if I give up on that which I have, I will never meet that one. That maybe the one I am with now is the right one, and I need to make it work, or I am just damning my self to and endless life pf relationships that will always fall apart. Then I went to sleep the next night.
Again I had the same dream, everything exactly the same, except for this time when I looked in to the eyes of my wife; there was a face along with those eyes. I awoke from this dream in a cold sweat. For the first time in fourteen years that woman had a face. I was surprised at how hard this hit me. I have had this picture in my mind for so long, then to all of a sudden have it changed, it was an odd feeling. I think one of the things that got me the most was the fact that my wife in my dream is not my fiancée that I am with in real life. I spent a lot of time yesterday, thinking about this dream, about the woman i am with, and the woman that who was in my dream. I was very distracted all day yesterday as I was cleaning, and working at the dojang. Then I went to bed again last night.
Again I have the same dream, everything is exactly the same, again, except for the woman who is my wife. This time it is neither the women from my childhood dream, nor the women that was in my dream of the previous night. And again it was not my fiancée form real life. And again I awoke in a cold sweat. The two women that were in these dreams are beautiful and wonderful women, and I know who they both are. But neither of them are Karen. I don’t understand these dreams. What are they trying to tell me?

I wonder what tonight’s slumber will bring?

2004-01-29T18:52:00.000-08:00

You know I reread this bog every now and then, as well as one of my friends, and I realize that we both have found parts of our lives to fixate on. I think we would both be so much happier if we could just get past those points.
But I also think it will take us forever to realize the answers to those questions that we always ask ourselves. But once we figure those things out, our lives will be truly wonderful.

Why do we choose to fixate on things like this? No one is out there twisting our arms saying do this, or we only like you for this, or why do you do this. It is solely our chose. We set it in to our minds, that things are a certain way, and we can’t really change them. We are wrong, it takes a lot of work to do it, but I believe that it is possible.

I always wonder some thing, why do we like the people that we do. Both plutonic and non. What is it that keeps us attracted to those people that we have pulled into our lives? And why do we take it upon ourselves to try and change those people that are near us? And total off of topic, why do girls like dancing so much? Anyway.... once we have chosen a partner in life, what is it that keeps us with them. I know everyone is going to say love, but what IS it? Why do I stay with Karen, why are Shay and Ali together, what abut Paul and Michell. Just three couples, all about the same ages, what is it that binds us to our partner. I sit here and think about it, and I am finding it hard to come up with answers. If I asked shay or Michell, or even Karen, what it was they liked about their partners, what was it that made them chose that person, and why they stay, I wonder what they would say. I always hear people say, "What is it that you love about so and so?" or "what first attracted you to so and so?" I am finding it hard to find those answers. What is it that I truly love about Karen? I know that we have been together for a long time, and we have been through a lot, and done a lot together, but what else is there? What do I love about her that is not just superficial? What does anyone really like about me?, not just Karen. What is it that is inside of us that people are attracted to? I bet I could give you more reasons why I like some of my female friends, easier, and faster than I can about my own fiancé....

If you have any comments or great input on this one, please let me know

2004-01-27T21:05:00.001-08:00

I remember when i used to be. When i was a little younger, and in love. I enjoyed getting up everyday and doing things. i enjoyed going to bed everynight, and dream about everything. Now i dread going to sleep, and wking up. I had great friends, and i did great things. I rember when i was happy, but i dont remember what it is like to be happy. It has been so long, is it still posable for me to be that way again. Will it happen in my current relationship???? Or will that have to end first??? If so will she be happy , what would happen. I know that i have made the decision to try and make things worl between us, but there is still something deep inside that says something is not right. Everyday, i see people that are happy within their relationships, and i just miss that so much, i was alway under the assumption that that is what you were in a relationship for. I guess i was wrong

2004-01-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

I remember when i used to be. When i was a little younger, and in love. I enjoyed getting up everyday and doing things. i enjoyed going to bed everynight, and dream about everything. I had great friends, and i did great things. I rember when i was happy, but i dont remember what it is like to be happy. It has been so long, is it still posable for me to be that way again. Will it happen in my current relationship???? Or will that have to end first??? If so will she be happy , what would happen. I know that i have made the decision to try and make things worl between us, but there is still something deep inside that says something is not right. Everyday, i see people that are happy within their relationships, and i just miss that so much, i was alway under the assumption that that is what you were in a relationship for. I guess i was wrong!

2004-01-26T01:54:00.000-08:00

why is it i can be happy just looking at a girl i dont even know? It made me feel happy, and some what content. But then i talk to the girl ive been with for 6 years, and it all starts to turn to shit.

Unhappiness
depression
lonelyness

We have talked about trying to make things right, and if we can we have talked about actually gettiing married this year. But how can that happen if i still feel like crap after we have talked. Since i made my decision , and told her, we have talked 4 times. the first was us talking about fixing things, then the next 2 were just to make sure things were going better, But the 4 ended in a fight. We are doing better than we were, it used to end every call with an argument. , so to get through 3 first is good for our record. But i am still so unhappy. THere are so many things that i still want. But i know that she really needs me. I just cant let her be unhappy. That is our whole thing always trying to make her happen, and most often failing. I just have this hole building deep inside, and i dont know what to do about it. am i destined in life to only be happy in those few times that i see some cute girl i dont know. Why can i be with someone, who loves me for who i am , and doesnt want me to change? Why cant things be about me? Maybe i am selfish, but damnit i want things too. When i am sick , i want someone who will come to my bed side, and look over me while im sick. Someone who will take care of me. When we were together i always took care of her. I can remeber once when i was sick, she made me soup, then went out to spend the evening with her friend. i have given up so much, for her, and i want it all back. I have lost friends. A lot of them. I want them back. She hates my family, all of them. They drive me crazy yes, but i still love them. Why cant i be with the cute girl and be happy. Mind you, i dont know her, i dont have any idea what she is really like, would we work out together. I dont really think so, again like with Karen, we come from such different backgrounds. I just want to know why i cant be happy. Is it my fate to just lead a lonely sad life? I want to know why it seems like everyone else is happy and things are great, and why i cant be like that? I just dont understand anymore. What do i do, stay with a women who says she loves me and wants to be with me , knowing that i may never be truly happy, or do i cut my losses and send her in to that horible place. How do you make this kind of disision, based solely on ones selfish wants. Should i be thinking about how things will effect her so much. Or should i start focusng more on me and what i want. I meditate, and look for these answers, but i dont know where they are, or how to find it.
All of these feelings and thoughstarted to pop in to my head after that cute girl left. I was great when i could see her, but damn her now for making all of this come to the surfice, just by here leaving. When will i get to make the disisions in my life that will make me happy, and when will people stop telling me that those desisions im trying to make are wrong? Its getting harder and harder to cope. I dont want to go out with people anymore, i dont want to do anything, when i do i just start to think about all of the shit that i am going through. You dont know, i dont think many people can understand how hard it is to go on with the everyday life, like nothingis going on. Aspecialy when your friends are so happy about there pending new life together. I see them and other couples, and i see all of the things that we did, and i start to see the placecs in which we started going wrong. It is just so over whelming. It fells like i am trying to empty the mississippi with a teaspoon. When did my life become so distorted by my fealings for girls. I dont understand it i dont feel like ijm leadin my own life anymore. I am now just a long for the ride. I gave some friends some advice recently. "dont focus on the end of the journy, it comes faster than you will ever know, but take joy and happiness from every stop and twist along the way." An instructor/friend gave me some advice once, it was the most profound thing anyone has ever told me. "enjoy the adventure" I find now that im tired of the adventure, and im just looking for the end of the trail. The boats full of holes, and all the suplies aregone. The paddles broke long ago. Why am i still adventuring, i think that it is getting close to the time that i hang up my travel gear and stop.

2004-01-24T22:53:00.000-08:00

Well i dont even know where to start anymore. So lets start with my overwelmingly depressing day.
I got up early today to take a friend to work, and played videogames after that. i was so boared with that, that i actually fell asleep at the key board.
I later whent to a very nice party, thoug again it was very depressing. It was an engagement party for two of my good friends. Everyone was so happy and full of chear. My life, and relationship ar so fuckedup right now, i just cant handel things like that. I cant do th large social group gatherings anymore. Everything there reminded me of my relationship, and how messed up it is. it sucked, but i am truley happy for my two friends. There was a bright spot to the whole thing. Every now and then i write about the girl that i really am attracted to. I got to see her today for just a little while, and i think that she maybe the cutest women in the world. But again we did not talk, and she does not know, and it wil say that way. But i did see her.
I talked to one of my friends while i was ther, and we talked about my relationship abit. She told me to follow my eart. Then she hit the nail on the haed, by sating that i am very indifferent. I dont know what the hell i want.
After the party several friends and i went to see a movie, which was supposed to be a very funny movie. It was the mos depressing thing i have ever seen. Here is this guy who is having problems. Deep down inside he dosnt know what he wants. He starts off happy with a great plan, then it turns to shit. Then he finds something good. Thus starts his inturnal strugle. Everyturn of the ovie brought to mind some thought, all of those little cries that come from inside. I almost left, i also almost cried. In the end everything works out for him though.What the hell is wrong with me why cant i be happy, why cant things work out for me? Everything i do now adays just gets me, i cant do anyting right. I very much want to get back on track with my fiance, but there is tis very loud voice from somewere inside that tells me something is not right. What do i do.

2004-01-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

i made this chose so that i would, be happy, and fell les stresss of the whole situation. WEll ifailed at that two. We have been talking about working things out, which is great, but it seems to me like i am not alowed to make my own dicisions. I chose to stay in my apartment, "that was wrong, i cnat make it on my own, i should leave." I am getting so tired of this. i love her so much , and i wont things to work, but with in a week of the first decision, here i am again, unhappy and miserable. I am so tired.

2004-01-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

YES

2004-01-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

It all comes down to one question "is this your way of saying its over?"
I dont know how to answer that question. Half of me screams yes, les end i and start over with new lives. And half of me says no we can fix things. But i cant tell you which half is right. Do i pull up everything ad go there knowing that things won change. Do i pull up everything and go there hoping that things will get better. Do i stay here and say thanks for the last 6 years, but its time to start over. Is odd to think that 6 years of life all come togeather at two words "yes" or "no". i dont know how to even come to that answer. If i say no, will there always be that doubt in the back of her mind as to why im there. If i say yes will i be losing my oldest friend. Could we still be friends after that. Is this a mutual point that we are both at, or is it just me.
This whole situaton has just messed me up. I have started to lose rack of what im doing. I spent 5 hours on saturday just siting by the lake looking at birds, and i though that i had only been there a few minuts. I space out all of the time now, i cant consintrate on anything,i cant focus.
I guess it all comes down to me in the end. What am i looking for from life, where am i going, wha do i want? What are my plans, what are my goals? I dont know. How does one find these answers.
I find it even harder still because two of my best friends have now gotten engaged, and are enjoying all of that excitment. I look at them, and i wonder how i got from there to were i am now. And then i wonder why i cant be that happy. And i hope desperetly that every thing works out for them. I dont want my friends to have to go through this as well. Because it is not a good place to be.

2003-12-30T22:42:00.000-08:00

Well here we are its new yeares eve day and i have no one to spend it with, and im not going to any parties. What does that for tell for my coming year. i have no goals or set paths. I'm going somewhere, but where it is i dont know.

2003-12-24T21:14:00.000-08:00

Well,
Its christmas eve and i am sitting here by my self. I am haveing a wonderful dinner of cheese curles and a snickers, because everything is closed except for exxon.
Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I used to think those people who are all bitter and unhappy about it were just messed up. An d now i know, yes they are messed up, and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. Growing up christmas eve was almost more important than christmas. Lots of people togethere having a great dinner/party, watching christmas movies and having fun. Theres not supposed to be any ot theis sitting on your ass by your self stuff. But here i am sitting on my ass alone, ,and im really gettign tired of being alone and unhappy. I love her but i dont know how much more of this i can take.
Merry christmas though, to all of you who are out there, i hope you have a great time!

2003-12-22T22:42:00.000-08:00

What did I learn in my first class as a Black Belt? I learned that i have been doing my kicks wrong for 3 years now and no one thought to tell me untill now. I know there are so many new things to learn, but this is going to take me forever to fix. it seems like the l8ittle things just never fall into place for me.
No matter how well i am doing in life, there i always something that i miss. To many things just fall through the cracks.Not just in Tukong but in all aspects of life.
Class today was not what i expected, i dont really know what i expected. BUt i dont think that was it. I know that it was a differant class than i noramlly go to but still. I dont know what to exspect because i dont know what i want. I have no goals to look forward to, i dont know where i am going with in my training anymore. WHat am i doing? Where am i going? WHy am i not happy about this? Why could she not be happy for me? Whats wrong with me? I dont understand myself anymore and it bothers me.

2003-12-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

well as i expected the test came and went. I did wat i was asked, and i tried my ass off. I was very happy today in seeing many of my friends do so well in there testing, and i was very proud of Dave and myself, because we were asked to brake 3 boards with a middle punch, and Dave and I wered the only 2 out of the 10 people that did it. I was also saddened at seeing other friends beat thems selves to black and blue because things didnt work the first time. In a past blog i wrote about a girl that i was very attracted to, and i was very overjoyed to see her today, though i did not get to converse with her. Anyway we all passed, with only a hand full of broken bones, luckely none were mine.
Now what? I have no one to share my happiness with. I am still all alone. I went to the party that master had for us, but it was very lonely, seeing everyone so happy and knowing that most of them had someone t share it with. I dont know what now, i still dont know where my life is going. ANd one of the only goals i have had is gone, so now what?

2003-12-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

So the culmination of three years of training all comes down to me passing a six or seven hour test. That test being this saturday makes me a little nervous.I dont feel confident in anything that i have to know. And i have to know a lot of stuff for this test. How can you show three years worth of training , sweat, blood, tears in one small test.
It all comes down th failure. I have so many people that i will be letting down if i fail this test. Master, my friends whom i train with, tim, myself, but most of all my studentshow can i go back to them and say "hay i wasnt good enough to get my black belt, but i still want you to listen to me." I cant handle failure at this time in my life. I just cant.
Then after the test either way it goes i have to decide if i am moving, or if i am staying in this appartment. then i have to decide what i want to do with my life. Plus there is christmas. JUst too much. I am over whelmed and i just cant deal with it.

2003-12-11T21:34:00.001-08:00

Movve to Hawii and be with the one I love, even thogh we fight all the time. Always Be unsure about if you are going to betogether the next day. or Cut it off. Stay here were i have training and one or two good friends. I have been with the same women now for over 6 years, if i stay was that time just wasted. I look at my life and what i have. everything I own could be stuffed in the trunk of a car. I have nofamilly here, aand very fiew friends. I dont want to turn into someone who does nothing but train martial arts all day, and have no social interation, or fisicat relationships. But i dont know if i can handdel all of the fighting and arguments. I dont know eaither way. I have what seems like so little that i am not sure. I love her so much but i jus dont know. Mybe I have already wasted enough of "her" life, and now it is time to say thank you for the time and let her move on. I just dont know......

2003-12-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

2003-12-11T21:29:00.000-08:00

WHY?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't she be happy?

Why can't we be happy together?

Will it ever work for us?

Will we always to differant?

2003-12-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

Lets talk about life.

I wake up every morning and rollover to an incredible feeling of loneliness. I lay there and think to my self " why do I do this to my self, is it really worth it." Does she really love me enough, do I really love her enough to stay her by my self with these horrible feeling of loneliness, and depression, for a year and a half. What will happen when we finally make it back together? We fight constantly. Are we in love or do we just not know anything else. It makes me feel very trapped, especially when I go out places with friends who are parts of couples. I look at them and it makes everything hurt. Why can’t that be me? I have started to hate going out with friends because I always feel left out in that area. Am I wasting my time here waiting for her, or will everything work out. It has gotten to the point that we fight about everything. And it always gets turned into my fault. We don’t even seam to have the same likes and dislikes anymore. Will a year apart have changed us so much that we can’t be together anymore? I just don’t know. This is how my morning starts.
No money so we skip breakfast and go off to work. 7:30-5:30 at a middle school with 1200 student who really don’t want to be there. They have no respect for themselves or me, and they let me know every day. I spend the regular school day dealing with this. Then I go on to The Tukong class I teach. Lets talk about pressure. I am the only Pum Dan how has been allowed to teach class. I have even been given a teaching certificate with in the federation. I ask my self every day do I have what it takes, to help these kids. How do all that needs to be done with this class with out failing someone? The Children, Master, or myself. I don’t know which would hurt me the most. But I don’t want to find out. The children in my classes are so different from the children in the HQ classes; they come from totally different places. Several of my students are special education students, I try so hard, but am I getting through to them. Most of the students at my school come from very low-end economically challenged families, and don’t have the money to buy uniforms. It makes me happy to know that at least through this program they are getting a chance to learn the art, but I know that very few of them will be able to go the HQ and take classes because they just cant afford it. How do you tell those children that they can never take classes at the same place as me because they are too poor. I don’t know. I try so hard to make this work, but I don’t know if it is, and I don’t want to fail. I have already had too much failure in my life. I can’t handle failing anymore. Which brings us to another part of life.
Tukong Moosul
I have been training tukong now for almost three years, and it is one of the only things that I truly enjoy. I train a lot. For one thing when I train I don’t think about the depression or the loneliness. There is just what I can do and me. Everything else disappears. But as I train now a day I am beginning to realize that everything I know is wrong. There is not one thing that I have been doing for the past three years that is not wrong. Every form, every stance, every kick, every punch. It is all wrong. People look up to me and come to me for answers because I am a Pum Dan, I can’t just tell them to go away because I know nothing. That would be a great disrespect to Master, and I can’t do that to him. He works very hard for all of us, and he goes out of his way to help me in every way. I just don’t know what to do. In 12 days I will be testing for my black belt test, and I am not ready. There are so many things that I need to work on, but I just don’t have time. I feel it deep inside as I train now, I see people doing things right, and I cant get it, and it is starting to eat me up from the inside. When I was in 4th grade I started to take martial arts and from that moment on I have wanted to become a black belt, it will kill me if I cannot do it. I can’t take the feeling s of knowing that I cant be the best at something I enjoy so much. I don’t know what to do, or how to handle it. People tell me that I look great at such and such and I will be fine on the test, but inside I know the truth. Am I wasting my time with this as well? Should I put my time into something else, I just don’t know anymore. This brings us back to the relationship thing again. One of the biggest wedges between us is tukong, how do I deal with that. I will be moving to an island that has nothing on it, just to be with this woman, I am again leaving everything I know and have behind for her. When do I get to have my life? I know when I get there I w ill start training less and less, and then soon it will completely stop. Then I will have nothing.
I had the chance to have a great and promising job her, as a police officer. But I am giving that up to follow a woman. She first left last November for an internship in Salt Lake City, and I didn’t voice my thoughts, and they were not asked for. She got the chance and went. She came back for two months and got offered a position as an intern in Hawaii, great, but once again I was not asked for my opinions or thought. She was to stay her until Aug. and work so that we could save up some money. Then they called and asked her to come early. MAY. Not August. So off she goes. I am left her again to wait for her with out my input. Then she gets a permanent position there, and now she is there. I will try and get there with her, but is it what we really want. Does she want me there? She goes dancing every week, and I don’t like to dance. She tries to force me to go but I don’t like it. I know that she will not give up this newfound hobby, so what do I do. Go to the middle of nowhere to sit at home while she goes clubing. I don’t know how many more differences our relationship can take. We are already so stretched as it is. I can almost feel us starting to break. How long can I spend my life following someone, before I start to live my life?
The one thing that I would really like to have, and I miss is having a female companion. Yes, I have female friend, I guess my best friend is a women. But I miss cuddling. I miss physical contact, holding hands, hugs, laying in bed and holding someone, being held by someone. I miss talking as well. I talk a good bit with shay, but it’s not the same. I don’t try and find friends that are girls either. As long as Karen and I are together I will never be a good friend with a girl that is not already a good friend of ours. I feel so guilty being around other women. It again is another reason not to go out to places with people I know. I go to parties and see girls I would like to get to know, but I feel like it would be wrong. When I was in middle school, high school, and college, almost all of my friends were girls. Many of them were great and we could sit there curled up under a blanket together and watch a movie and not have any weird feelings. But it’s all different now. I have Karen who I argue with weekly on the phone, and Shay who I see mostly in training, and it just doesn’t work that way anymore, and I miss it. It gets worse and worse every day. I Just miss the contact.
I hate being by myself now too. I used to love to just go places and be by myself. If I ended up at home by my self for a week, great. But now I can’t stand it. I start to think about all the stuff that is burying me, and I cant breath. So I spend all of my time at work, training and at a friends house playing videogames. Anything so that I don’t have to be alone. I hardly ever clean anymore, because I am never here, so the house is always a mess. And now I have to start selling off the furniture that cant be moved to Hawaii, so the place is just going to start to clutter. I really am starting to hate the place that I live. So when I do finally make it home I lay in bed for hours thinking about all of this stuff. I really can’t remember a time when I actually got a good nights rest. Most nights I don’t manage to fall asleep until at least 3, and then I have to be up again at 6. I try reading to fall asleep, doesn’t work. Music, doesn’t work. Meditation, tie chi, tea, everything. They just don’t work. For the last six years I have had the same familiar sound smells and sight, in the bed next to me, and they were very comforting, but they are no longer there. I lie there and think about what those things were like, and whish I had them again. But we have been apart for so long now I don’t remember them. What will they be like when we get together, well we last. I think that it all comes down to this I am lonely and it all makes me depressed, so if I had a companion to spend quality time with things would get better. But I don’t and can’t have one, because I love Karen and couldn’t do anything to hurt her. So I bottle it all up inside and deal with it.
And that’s my life except for the part about being sick since October. I have had two weeks since the beginning of October. That I have not either had a cold, stomach virus, flu, or a migraine. It kills me, and I hate it. I am always sick. And all of the other stresses of life don’t make it any better.
I know that there are people out there that have many more problems with life than I do. I read many of the different blogs out there, and I just want to let people know that other people have problems to.

2003-11-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

17 days left until my black belt test. I know nothing. I have no self-confidance. I'm tierd. I'm lonely, sad. I cant focus. I think that I am just fucked. I have been waiting for this for my entire life, and mow i just want it to go away. I have so many things on my mind. So much stuff going on, how do i make it all go away so i can just consintrate. I have so many feeling just floating around in me it is starting to get hard to control. Fear, sadness, Joy, Anger, dispaire, anxiety, excitment.What the hell am i going to do. I cant get my life sraightend out how am i going to get through this tes??

2003-11-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

You wake up one morning and realize that your life is not your own. You relize everything has been done for someone else. You have always followeed someone. You followed someone to the place you are now, and are going to keep following. Someone has always told you where to go, what to do. You realize this one day and wonder where did you life go. Are you going to continue to follow other people, or are you going to have your own dreams.

2003-11-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

Happiness, Joy, Fear, Depresion, thaughts of beingleft behind, Anxiety. I am having trouble tring to deal with these things, all at once.

2003-10-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

They say you never forget your first love.
But are you supposed to think of them everyday?

2003-10-29T09:53:00.000-08:00

Anger, the want to hit something, multiple times. Frustration, Not knowing why I want to do this
annoyances of not knowing what to do about it.
How do you deal with that??
Vacation!!
Get away from everything and everyone. Find out what the problems stem from and take a break from it.
So that is what I am doing. Taking a vacation from the anxiety of life. Relaxation and rest.

more Poetic thoughts

The look in her eyes,
The way the lights sparkled in them.
The feel of her body,
The soft curve of her hips
The touch of her skin,
the milky smoothness of her hands and cheeks
The smell of her hair,
intoxicating
The memories of that song,
The beating of our heats,
In that moment the whole world stood still,
There was no one in the universe accept for us,
Everything was right

2003-10-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

I am feeling great today. Good energy, clear head.
I realized today how much I miss the old days.
People always talk about the best days/times of your life. Ya know how long it has been since I have had one of those. I can’t remember, and it is depressing. I need to do something different with my life. It is just too stagnant. I have recently been in contact with many of my college friends, and none of us are doing what we went to college for. That gets to me deep down inside. I need to change that. I love to bee in the outdoors. I moved to Austin and the outdoors no longer exists. I need to do something to get back. And I don’t think that Austin holds anything for me. I love the few friends that I have here, and would do anything for them, but there is nothing here for me. I am going to start to look for other things. I need a change before I go insane. I have just realized that one of the two things that were the most important to me is no longer there, and I am dying with out it. I miss the water. I miss the adventure, and the life that comes with it. I hate my job. The only thing that keeps me there is the Tukong class that I am now teaching. Which is the other thing that is important to me (besides Karen, she is the most important). I can’t stand being stuck inside all day. I need to be put side, where the air is good for you and where it is healthy to be out side. And that is not Austin.

I Just don't know anymore.

2003-10-07T19:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like poo. Not the bear, but the other type of poo.I've got a cold, and it sucks. But I think that i will live. You never realize how crappy things can be untill you are sick and alone. When someone is her, it is ok. They make you tea, and chicken noodle soup. And they tell you you will be better soon. But when you are alone, it sucks. Its just you. and right now it's just me. I have been coughing constantly for two days. And I think that i have pulled or strained almost all of the mouscles in my back.

I have now missed two days of training. I have also missed one day of work, and have had to cancel one of my tukong classes. I only have these kids for so long, and it kills me to have to take one of there classes away. But i could not have made it through work today. So i hope that the rest of the week of training goes well, and i can teach them lots. I love working with almost all of these kids. They are great. They put a smile on my face, most of the time.

2003-09-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Alone among friends,
The darkness envelops me,
The future speeds towards me
The past screams away,
Day brings horror,
Night brings fear,
What is this horror, this fear,
Is it a wasted past,
Is it a tortured future,
Is it an unsure life,
I search for solace,
But am constantly thwarted,
When I look inwards,
I no longer find answers,
Only questions,
When I look outward,
I find nothing
Where does this future take me,
What has this past given me,
What do I really have?

2003-09-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, The long involved conversation I was expecting to have Lasted 10 Min. So I dont know anymore.

But I went to a great concert this weekend. I went to see REM. They freeking rocked. It was one of the most fun things i havve done in a long time. I was so close that i could have spit on any member of the band. I was so cool.

I had a rough day in my class today. I had several students who wanted to just mess around and not listen. I feel very bad for the students who were doing very well and Listening. What do You do in a situation like that. I know i have to deal with them differently than I do when i am in the class room. I dont want to be to strict with them, but I also want to teach. But i definatly had issues today. Maybe tomarrow will be better.

What did yall think of the last poem i added? I liked it.

2003-09-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

"I stand at the fork in the road
Left or right, which will lead the right way
To one side the path is open and bright as far as I can see
To the other I see only darkness
Do I take the light, always fearing the darkness?
Do I take the darkness, and hope for it to strengthen me
Others have been here before me
Do I Follow their well marked path and except the same fate as they
N0
I take nether right or left,
But I move straight ahead.
I will walk my own path in life
I will make my own choices
This is my life"

I found out that I am going to be testing for my black belt in December. Damn
I am a little worried now. I was expecting to have another year and a half before i tested. A little different than 3 months. I am going to put my all into as long as I can. This is something I have wanted forever. SO I will make it happen. "Jang Shin Il Do, Ha Sa Bul Song" When mind, body, spirit move in one direction, you can accomplish anything.
This weekend is Karen and my six-year anniversary, SO I am looking forward to spending a nice evening on the phone with her. So I hope that we will get to have a nice talk if she is not busy.

2003-09-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I trained at a 2 hour sword seminar on Saturday, and I feel great. It is the first time in almost a year that I have put my all into something on the training floor. I have been injured for so long I didn't remember what it was like. Even now I don't have any pain in my shoulder at all. I feel great. I look forward to training so much harder now. So that is one thing in life that is great.

I have realized recently that there very few things in life that I do that make me happy. Tukong is probably the only thing. It is also where my only goals in life sit at the moment. But I have also realized that it will always be in the way of my relationship with Karen. She thinks that I am always kissing ass, and wasting my time. I want her to understand that I have accepted tukong as a way of life. It will always be there. I also don't want to get to the point where I don't have anything but training. I see it happen to other people. I don't want to be in that place. I want to keep it in my life, but I want to keep Karen as well. How do I make a good balance, if she is always trying to cheapen the experience for me? She trains as well, and she is good, probably better than me, but she has not accepted it as a way of life. I just don't know haw to make the two mesh. One of my goals in life has always been to be a black belt, what happens if she finds a job somewhere and has to leave. Will I go with her, and leave the family and way of life I have now taken up. Will she even want me to come with her? Or do I stay her, on my own? I just don know.

2003-09-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

I started to teach my class this week, and i think that over all it will go very well. Though I have a large aount of special education students, who cant pay attention. But i think that we will get somewhere with it. I have a lot of good kids who are very serious about training, so it will be good.

I feel exceptionaly happy today, to spie the fact that I am broke, i have lots of bills, and work makes me horibly tired.BUt today i feel good. I have also decided not to post any more poetry until i get some feedback on the first stuff. I know that not to mny people read this crap, but those of you that do could at least email me and sy "that great where didi it come from" or "that sucked, get rid of it". Just someting.

Even though i feel very good today, i still miss my girl. She has been away for such a long time. And i miss her.I am so lonely . I come home and i am here al by my self with all of our stuff, and i look around and just want to be with her. But i know she is still gone and will be for a long time. I am just so damn lonely, it sucks.I just wish everyday that i did not live here by my self. I dred coming home to the empty house. It makes me want to cry.I wish i was rich i would just pick up and go visit her every chance i get, but it is imposable.To far. No money. SO i just sit here, all lonely and sad.

2003-09-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

More Poetry

The one
"As I dream I dream of living, living a life with out love.
Without her love, for she is my soulmate.
I dream of life without the beauty of her starry eyes, or soft sweet smelling skin.
The way her hair shines in the mourning sun, and the joy that fills me as I watch her sleep.
I awake in the night with the horrible feeling that she is not there, that she is gone.
Desperately I search for her sleeping form, and I find it there next to me.
I rest easier then.
Now deeply disturbed by this dream I start to think, what would it be like to live without her love.
As I lay by her side and watch her sleep, I realize that I would gladly dyer a million deaths just to live with her love, for just one minute."

Let me know what you think.

I am tired of being sick; I am tired of being hurt. I feel like crap because I cant do anything the way it should be done. I start teaching on Monday, and I have trouble doing my own stuff. The rest of life sucks as well. Lots of bills, no money. I just want life to stop sucking so much.

I get migraines. About once a year normally, maybe twice a year if I am really lucky. Now I have had 4 in the past month. I hate it. They suck, I cant do any thing about them or while I have them. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!!

Have you ever just gotten tired of where you are/ I am getting that way. Life is starting to stagnate. I want a real job, I want friends, and I want to be somewhere else. I am starting to get sick of this town; I am tired of being here by my self. I am 25, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have done almost nothing with it up to this point. I feel lost; I have no goals in life. I have no plans to go anywhere. It sucks. Mostly I have come to the conclusion that I am just a loser. I can’t get a job, not even at Exxon or target. What the hell is wrong with me I have a college degree and I can’t get a fucking job at the hardware store. I have to make some sort of a change before my mind explodes. I think that I may start to go insane soon. I have no real talents for anything that is going to get me anywhere in life.

All right I am done complaining for now. More of that later.

We have learned 4 new sword forms/activities in class in the last week, and my mind is going numb. To much sword. I dream of swords. Well I dream of doing sword work, but since I don’t actually use a sword because of my shoulder I dream of invisible swords. There is just so much to learn. Hopefully I will get half of it before I die. Every time I learn something, master shows us 10 more things. I often feel as though I am drowning. But I guess that is life.

2003-08-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

The day brightens as she walks in
Others may not see it, She may not see it,
But I do,
The clouds thin,
The wind blows cooler,
The suns warmth grows,
The birds sing louder,
The flowers smell sweeter,
Her voice stirs feelings of joy,
Her smile so bright,
We work together,
We sweat together,
No matter the condition,
Her beauty always shines through,
I take joy in her presence,
She is the bright spot in my day.
With out her the world would be to dark of a place.

For S.

2003-08-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

More Poetry

"Emptiness and Loneliness"

"In the darkness I reach for her
Knowing she is not there,
I listen for her sounds
But they are not there,
I stand at the door and stare
At the place we once slept,
I sit in the places we once sat,
I go to the places we once visited,
I look for the joy, the happiness,
But it is gone and so is she,
Leaving only emptiness and loneliness"

Let me know what you think of these poems. I would like to know what people think. Since I think only two people read this other than my self, I hope someone stumbles on to this.

I am tired of felling useless. I hate the feeling. I would rather sit on the couch and get fat and die, than to have to sit through another class and watch people. I feel like there is so much that I should be doing. I know that my training has gone down hill since I injured my self. I don’t train even with 50% of the effort I used to I and gaining weight, and I sucks. Master tells me a month then I can start to train normally again. I don’t know if I will make it. We did however start to learn a new sword form last night. FUN

Do you ever get lonely? What do you do about it? I have a fiancé, which I have hardly seen in the past 10 months. It sucks. I miss physical contact. I think that one of my favorite parts of training has become the end of class. I get to hug everyone, and it is great. There is contact, with that even for a split second I don’t feel alone. I think that is the most horrible part of her being away, the growing feeling that I am alone. Sure I have friends that I hang out with sometimes. But that lasts a few hours. Then I go home and it is just me in a small lonely apartment. I have pets that I play with but it is not human contact and it is not the same. It has gotten to the point that I will spend as much time at work as I can so I am around people, then I spend as much time as I can at the school for the contact. Then after that I try to find things to do just so I am around people. The grocery store is a great place as is masters’ restaurant.
In college I did not have this problem. I spent days on end by my self. No girlfriend to start with. And I never felt alone. I just feel cut of from everything. All of my best friends are part of a couple or couples. I end up feeling like the odd man out when I hang out with them or people talk crap about me. So it makes it worse. But when I am with them I see them do all of the couple type things, and I just want to curl up and cry. I have been reading a book of poems that are pretty old, and they make life even worse. I read them and I think, "These are ok. But life sucks"

2003-08-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

"She haunts me nightly,
I dream of her daily,
I see her beauty,
Yet her face still eludes me.

I know not who she is,
But I must spend my life searching for her
For I am destined to love her,
And I cannot live without looking for her,
And loving her."

What do ya think? I will tell ya were it came from later

I am starting to feel as though i have been training for almost 3 years, and I have learned nothing. People ask me questions and i dont know anymore. Anxiety and dispare are building. I had a converstaion with a friend the other day about these things building as you progress. I told her that it was a natural progression, and every one would have to deal with it in there own way.I dont know how to deal with it , but most of the time i just want to climb into bed and hide. i think about how close the black belt test is for the other pumdans and I hope that they are not having the same feelings as I I need another 2 pr 3 years to get down just the basics, but they have to have it all down in a few months. The thought scares the hell out of me.

2003-08-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am back in the land of the living today. Yesterday I thought that i was dying, if not already dead. Friday night I decided to do the overnight training at the Masters. We were up all night and on our feet almost the whole time. My legs are still sore. We also did smoke training. They set off a smoke bomb and we trained. It was fun at the time. But by the time we went home I had a spliting headach. By the time I got into bed it was a full blown migraine. I got to bed at 6:10am, and was up the first time to vomit at 6:30am. Then 7:00, and 7:30, and then again at 8:30. My head was in such pain that I stayed in bed half of the day. The pain that accompanies a migrane is insane, I would reather break a finger then have a migraine. I was feeling ok by 6:00pm, but still a little out of it. I am mostly ok today, still a little stiffness and pain here and there, which will go away. But my weekend has been shortened by being sick.

At leasat while I was sick I was to busy to worry about any other problems.

2003-08-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

In life we are defined by how we handle what is delt us. Do we just except everything that comes our way and let it pass over us? DO we worry about all the little things? Do we except little things and worry ourselves over the big things until we are physicaly sick? DO I just curl up and die? Do we just say screw it and go on with life no matter what te consiquences are? It's all in how we deal.

Have you ever been to the point where you thaught that life couldn't get any worse, only to realize that you are only at the top level of the hole and working your way ever deeper and sweiftly? This is the point when we are all defined as a person. Do I curl and cry tell I am sick? Do I just culr up and die?

A wise man told me every fortune and sucsess came from failure, defeat, and loss. Well god damnit I am going to be the most succesfull person in the whole damn universe. Cause i am pretty much at the bottem now, so on the brighter side I don't think that there is any place to go but up. Or into a cardboard box.

I realized thawt I have failed at a great many things in my life. My pre-college education. I never, ever took it searious. I wasted time, i dident study, I got in trouble, I skiped a lot of classes so that I could go and "help" other teachers. As a hole I was a Fuck-up. I did have a few saving graces in school thought.(To be talked about in another blog) In school I failed my parents, my teachers and most of all myself. I shot myself in the foot, I made it to the point that only one College would except me, and I even screwed that up.

I really screwed up the relationship that I had with my father. I remember when I was young, he came to me and told me a story about his father and himself. They got in to a physical fight over a very trivial point. To the day my grandfather died, dad still had issues with that event. They were never close again. My dad told me he never wanted that to happen again. I promissed myself that I wouldn't let that happen. Flash forward several years to my high school year. Trivial point, fight, broken ribs, antimosity. I havent talked to him now in over a year. Onece again I failed my parents and most of all myself.

Then we get to college. I fucked up almost everything i did while I was there. I went to college as a forestry major, which could have given me a lot of financial stability if i hadent be so stupid. When I was growing up, I hated to do math of anny sort. So when i got to college and they told me that i would be taking almost all of the math classes, I changed majors, with out a second thought. STUPID. So I took camping instead. I had a great deal of fun, but I cant do a god damn thing with it.

My first simester I did nothing. Then came grades. 1.8 gpa.I did pay atention a little bit more after that point. But as a whole my college education was usless. Once againj failling almost everybody, myself most of all.

I did get one good thing out of college though. I met a great girl. Who must be stupid to have stayed with me all of this time. We have been to gether for a long time and in that time I think that i have broken almost every promise that I have made to her. I tell her that i will do something, or this will happen or what ever. And I always fuck it up.i have never been unfaithful though. Even in all of the time that she has been away for work. Mind you that i have met one other women that i think is absulotly beautiful, great smile, nice family, smart. T tell you the truth I dont think I have ever helds a converstion with her other that " I made those" "There great!" But there is nothing there and there never will be as long as my girl will keep me.

She left me here to work and take care of the appartment, pets, plants, cars, etc.. Talk about screwed up. No money, several of the pets have died under my care. Almost all of the plants are dead. I killed one of the cars. I have just generaly fucked every thing up.

I often wonder why she hasn't left. or thrown me out. With all of the screw ups I just dont get it. For that mater I dont know why i stay and put her through all of the hell that I do. I do love her though, and I hope day in and day out that thats enough.

I have had so many others that I cant even count them. But no matter how much I screw up I think about all of the lives that I touch daily, and it just makes me go on. There is one student in the kids class at masters, who helps make things so much nicer. Her family always tells me how much she likes me, and that she always has a great time working with me. And If I hade to make all of those mistakes again just to hear about one person like that that i have tuched. They i would do each of them a million times.

I am so worried now about my financial failiures, that i can hardly think about the fact that I am about to teach a class which represrents not only myself and the school district, mu Master and Tukong as well. He is one of the three people in the world that I wish to not fail. SO I hope that I can get through all of the other problems so that I can Represent myself, my skills, and master to the best of my ability.

I think that it comes down to the fact that i have had so many failiures in the past, that i am tired of it and i want it to stop. So I am trying to fix it.

I give myself a year and if Icant get things straight I am going to become a monk, and join a temple. I will just move on and start a new life, and find new people to touch, and new ways to do it.

But we will have to see, wont we

2003-08-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, and i am sitting here all by myself. Compleatly bored out of my mind. I need to get a life, because this one is lame.
I went and trained today for 3 hours, because there was really nothing else to do. Now dont get me wrong. I don't go and train just because i am bored, I do however often spend much more time training when I am bored. I did get a lot accomplished though. So it was good.

I also started planning out the class that I will be teaching, so that i have some idea of what I am going to be doing. I have a couple of weeks to get it all figured out though. I start on Sept. 2, so I have to get it all ironed out by then. I am very excited about it though.

I am still on the hunt for a second job, with no luck. I hope to find something soon though.

I talked with master the other day, and I feel better abot myself. I know that what ever others think, reather it be that I have no skills or great skills, master supports me. I know that he thinks i am a good person and deserve to be where I am.

2003-08-14T21:48:00.000-07:00

Lately I have spent a great deal of time meditating mostly on one topic. This being the fact that I will be teaching a new afterschool class at the middle school. 4 days a week, mon-thur. Each class being about 1-2 hours each. Am I going to be qualified to teach this class on my own. Do I have the skills and the knowledge to do this. I am not sure. Master seams to think that I will do fine. He told me to work hard and he would be a suport to me. I have had some experience with teaching on my own, but I have never been this worried about it before. WHY?

Rousseau (philosopher) introduced the idea that "an individual cannot be forced to learn." Are these kids going to want to learn or are they going to be there just to try and be cool. Maybe this is my problem. I worry that they are not there to learn what I have to teach. Are they going to be interested in the content of the class or the image. Maybe I just worry to much, I dont know.

I gave up a chance to go to the beach today. I would have had a place to stay and would not have had to pay anything for the 3 days we would be gone. But I thought I should work instead. SO maybe I can go next summer.

Listening to a great band right now. A local Band called Rubber Hed. Kind of punk, kind of metal, but they rock. I saw them at the 101x 8ball, and they were one of the best ones there. Maybe not as nationaly known as Eve 6 but still put on a great show. I am also watching the ferrets run around the house. They are sooooo cute. I love them all. I wish that I could just hug them all of the time.

2003-08-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

"When your Mind, Body, and Spirit move in one direction you can accomplish anything"

What do you get when nothing moves in the same direction???

2003-08-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

"As I move through life I wonder where the happiness comes from, and where it goes. Some times I am happy mostly I am not. I do many things that make me happy, at that moment. But am I truly happy and how do I know. Will there be a giant neon sign at the end of the road that says "YOU ARE HAPPY NOW", or will I have a dream one night where i tell myself that I am happy. Or do i go through life thinking that I am happy, but never really knowing."

I started my first day back at work today after along summer of training and looking for work. I do not love my job, but they pay well, and i may also get some extra pay this year for after school programs.

I often wonder in my training, do i have any self confidence? I dont think so, all the confidence i put off is just an external show. I wonder, what do others think of my skills. Do the people that ask me for help not know that I dont know anything, or are they just humoring me to make me feel better about myself? I also wonder what my seniors think of me and my skills. I have resantly double promoted to Pum-dan, and I got alot of suprized looks from people. I dont know if they were happy for me or if they were thinking"why did he get that" I just dont know...

I will continue to do my best though, no matter what others think.